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Bush Re-Election Campaign Creates Thousands Of New Jobs

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Bush Re-Election Campaign Creates Thousands Of New Jobs

WASHINGTON, DC—Since it began in May, the Bush 2004 re-election campaign has been responsible for creating thousands of new jobs, officials announced Monday.

Newly employed workers at a Bush campaign office in Chicago.

"The Bush-Cheney campaign is giving a much-needed boost to the troubled economy," said Ken Mehlman, Bush's campaign manager. "Every penny we receive is immediately pumped back into the economy, and we've already created thousands of jobs for out-of-work speechwriters, graphic designers, and door-to-door canvassers."

Though Bush has yet to formally announce his candidacy, his campaign war chest surpassed the $100 million mark on Nov. 13. With 11 months remaining before the election, the Bush campaign is well on its way to its goal of raising a record-breaking $170 million.

"While other segments of the economy are undergoing hiring freezes, the Bush-Cheney campaign is experiencing rapid growth," Mehlman said. "We've hired everything from computer technicians to manage the campaign's database of registered Republicans to an entire team of producers to create our television ads. George W. Bush is putting Americans back to work."

"With the U.S. unemployment rate hovering around 6 percent, this influx of employment capital represents no small example of the success of the Republican Party's economic policy," Mehlman added. "And we're just gearing up. Our campaign projects consistent, quarter-by-quarter expansion for the next 11 months."

Besides high-tech and skilled positions, the campaign has created thousands of jobs in the service sector.

"Walk through our massive national campaign headquarters, and you'll see how many workers it takes just to empty the garbage cans," Mehlman said. "Imagine all the people it takes to cater a fundraising dinner, then multiply that number by all the restaurants, hotels, and convention centers that the president will stop at along the campaign trail. Those red, white, and blue posters don't hang themselves, you know."

A factory worker in Macon, GA, works for the Bush re-election campaign.

The campaign has created manufacturing jobs, as well.

"Blue-collar laborers all across the country are rolling out billions of posters and T-shirts," Mehlman said. "We just placed an order for 6,000 boxes of 'Viva Bush' buttons. The people working in that factory in Georgia will tell you what Bush can do for the economy."

Mehlman said the Bush campaign's positive effect on the economy far outpaces that of the leading Democratic candidates.

"The Democrats simply can't say they're doing as much for the economy as we are," Mehlman said. "Howard Dean is out there collecting $50 donations on the Internet. As of Sept. 30, his campaign had a mere $25.4 million. How many workers can that paltry sum sustain?"

In contrast, Mehlman cited a recent Republican fundraiser held at the private residence of the chairman of Watermark Communities Inc., a company that builds golf retirement communities.

"The Florida fundraiser employed hundreds of people, from the swing-choir members to the waiters who served the Angus beef and potatoes," Mehlman said. "That dinner pulled in $1.7 million—which will be used to throw more fundraisers, thereby creating even more jobs."

Bush called his fundraising success "a positive indicator for the nation's struggling economy."

"This job-creating initiative is good for my re-election campaign and good for Americans," Bush said. "With the generosity of Pioneer-level donors like William McGuire, chairman of United Health Care Group, and Warren Staley, CEO of the Cargill agribusiness company, this country will be back on its feet in no time. Bush-Cheney '04 is turning money into jobs."

Bush said that, although his administration is "narrowing in on economic recovery in America," more work is needed.

"We will continue to do our part up until Nov. 2, 2004," Bush said. "However, we can't do it without you. Call the Republican campaign office near you to find out how you can help."

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