Bush Re-Election Campaign Creates Thousands Of New Jobs

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Vol 39 Issue 47

Senate Votes 64-36, Not Sure On What

WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Senate voted 64-36 in favor of S. 546 Monday, despite the lack of any awareness of the bill's contents. "Wait a minute—S. 546?" asked Sen. Kent Conrad (D-ND), hurriedly shuffling through a stack of papers after hearing of the bill's passage. "I tend to just vote with Maria Cantwell [(D-WA)], but apparently, she just voted with Thomas Carper [(D-DE)]. Does anybody know what's in S. 546?! Oh, geez." Conrad said he isn't certain, but that he might remember someone mentioning something about the Bend Pine Nursery Land Conveyance Act.

Small Town Honors Once-Ostracized Artist

ANSLEY, NE—Nearly 450 of Ansley's 590 residents gathered in the town square Monday morning to dedicate a statue of the late sculptor Robert Kett, who was born in the town in 1946 and generally either ignored or reviled during the 24 years he lived there. "Although no one took any notice of his art while he lived here, Mr. Kett has touched us all through his national fame," said Ansley mayor Paul Hollub, who went to high school with Kett and frequently referred to him as "that Kett faggot." "Though he was the object of our derision for many years, Robert is truly Ansley's favorite son." Examples of Kett's work, on display at the Guggenheim, will be reproduced and sold in postcard form at the ice-cream shop behind which he was once beaten up.

Alan Colmes Loses Argument With Nephew

NEW YORK—Alan Colmes, the liberal co-host of the Fox News debate program Hannity & Colmes, lost an argument to his nephew Bryan while babysitting the 8-year-old Monday. "I wanted to stay up late to watch television, but Uncle Alan said, 'There's already too much self-parenting in America,'" Bryan said. "So I started screaming, 'Mom lets me, Mom lets me,' real loud. He gave in after, like, 20 seconds." In the past two years, Bryan has won arguments with Colmes on the subjects of Pokémon cards, Crunch Berries cereal, and steel tariffs.

Trial Separation Works Out Great

BIRMINGHAM, AL—Both Marlene and Paul Hirsh reported Monday that the first four weeks of their trial separation have gone surprisingly well.

THG And The NFL

A string of scandals has prompted the NFL to impose stricter testing standards for performance-enhancing drugs, especially the steroid THG. What do you think?
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Bush Re-Election Campaign Creates Thousands Of New Jobs

WASHINGTON, DC—Since it began in May, the Bush 2004 re-election campaign has been responsible for creating thousands of new jobs, officials announced Monday.

Newly employed workers at a Bush campaign office in Chicago.

"The Bush-Cheney campaign is giving a much-needed boost to the troubled economy," said Ken Mehlman, Bush's campaign manager. "Every penny we receive is immediately pumped back into the economy, and we've already created thousands of jobs for out-of-work speechwriters, graphic designers, and door-to-door canvassers."

Though Bush has yet to formally announce his candidacy, his campaign war chest surpassed the $100 million mark on Nov. 13. With 11 months remaining before the election, the Bush campaign is well on its way to its goal of raising a record-breaking $170 million.

"While other segments of the economy are undergoing hiring freezes, the Bush-Cheney campaign is experiencing rapid growth," Mehlman said. "We've hired everything from computer technicians to manage the campaign's database of registered Republicans to an entire team of producers to create our television ads. George W. Bush is putting Americans back to work."

"With the U.S. unemployment rate hovering around 6 percent, this influx of employment capital represents no small example of the success of the Republican Party's economic policy," Mehlman added. "And we're just gearing up. Our campaign projects consistent, quarter-by-quarter expansion for the next 11 months."

Besides high-tech and skilled positions, the campaign has created thousands of jobs in the service sector.

"Walk through our massive national campaign headquarters, and you'll see how many workers it takes just to empty the garbage cans," Mehlman said. "Imagine all the people it takes to cater a fundraising dinner, then multiply that number by all the restaurants, hotels, and convention centers that the president will stop at along the campaign trail. Those red, white, and blue posters don't hang themselves, you know."

A factory worker in Macon, GA, works for the Bush re-election campaign.

The campaign has created manufacturing jobs, as well.

"Blue-collar laborers all across the country are rolling out billions of posters and T-shirts," Mehlman said. "We just placed an order for 6,000 boxes of 'Viva Bush' buttons. The people working in that factory in Georgia will tell you what Bush can do for the economy."

Mehlman said the Bush campaign's positive effect on the economy far outpaces that of the leading Democratic candidates.

"The Democrats simply can't say they're doing as much for the economy as we are," Mehlman said. "Howard Dean is out there collecting $50 donations on the Internet. As of Sept. 30, his campaign had a mere $25.4 million. How many workers can that paltry sum sustain?"

In contrast, Mehlman cited a recent Republican fundraiser held at the private residence of the chairman of Watermark Communities Inc., a company that builds golf retirement communities.

"The Florida fundraiser employed hundreds of people, from the swing-choir members to the waiters who served the Angus beef and potatoes," Mehlman said. "That dinner pulled in $1.7 million—which will be used to throw more fundraisers, thereby creating even more jobs."

Bush called his fundraising success "a positive indicator for the nation's struggling economy."

"This job-creating initiative is good for my re-election campaign and good for Americans," Bush said. "With the generosity of Pioneer-level donors like William McGuire, chairman of United Health Care Group, and Warren Staley, CEO of the Cargill agribusiness company, this country will be back on its feet in no time. Bush-Cheney '04 is turning money into jobs."

Bush said that, although his administration is "narrowing in on economic recovery in America," more work is needed.

"We will continue to do our part up until Nov. 2, 2004," Bush said. "However, we can't do it without you. Call the Republican campaign office near you to find out how you can help."

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