adBlockCheck

Bush Refuses To Set Timetable For Withdrawal Of Head From White House Banister

Top Headlines

Politics

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Bush Refuses To Set Timetable For Withdrawal Of Head From White House Banister

WASHINGTON, DC—Though critics have argued that he does not understand the futility of his current situation, President Bush announced today that he has no plans to remove his head from its current position: wedged painfully between two balusters on a White House staircase.

Bush has refused to budge from his position.

"Setting a timetable for withdrawal of my head would send mixed messages about why I put my head here in the first place," Bush said at a press conference on the Grand Staircase. "I am going to finish what I set out to accomplish here, no matter how unpopular my decision may be, or how much my head hurts while stuck between these immovable stairway posts."

Democrats, emboldened by electoral victories that gave them control of both houses of Congress, are calling for Bush to begin withdrawing his head from the banister immediately.

"Why does the president refuse to pull his head out of that banister?" House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said in a speech yesterday. "Hasn't he had his head in there long enough? We'd all like to know just how the American people are being served by him keeping his head in that banister."

Entering its fifth day, the president's incursion into the banister is now widely considered a quagmire. Bush initially told the nation that he was going to stick his head through the banister in order to secure stockpiles of cashews on the other side. Though intelligence reports cited by the president seemed to indicate the presence of these cashews, a comprehensive probe by White House personnel revealed that no such nuts existed.

"If the president truly believed there were cashews, why didn't he ask a staffer to go around to the other side of the staircase and check for cashews first?" Rep. John Murtha (D-PA) said. "Or even just look through the banister before slamming his head in there in such a way that it can't be extricated."

Many Republicans who supported Bush early this week are now publicly criticizing the president for the way he got into the banister.

"I stood by the commander-in-chief's decision to stick his head in this banister from the beginning," said Sen. Chuck Hagel (R-NE). "But now I'm beginning to think he may have rushed into this without thinking through all the consequences of his actions."

Voters are also voicing concerns about this latest predicament. Chicago resident Peter Colby, 41, who recently took part in a tour of the White House, said he thought Bush's actions were hurting the country's image abroad.

"It's embarrassing to see the president of the United States with his head stuck in a banister," Colby said. "He just looks stupid."

The few supporters Bush has left are privately concerned that he will go down in history as the president who wedged his head through a banister and refused to take it out despite widespread negative public sentiment and political pressure for him to do so.

For his part, Bush has scoffed at such suggestions and accused his critics of exploiting the issue without providing any viable alternatives.

"I hear a lot of criticism from the other side of the aisle, but what is the Democrat plan for victory here?" Bush said. "Some suggest rapid withdrawal, but that will most likely hurt my ears by bending them the wrong way. Others have suggested turning my head from side to side and slowly working my way out, which we all know is a recipe for failure."

In recent days, the Bush administration has been attempting to sell a new plan based on a strong forward surge.

"The only way for the president to successfully remove himself from this situation is not to pull his head out of the banister, but to push his whole body through," White House Chief of Staff Joshua B. Bolten said. "We're asking Congress and the American people to give the commander-in-chief a chance to try this new plan, which involves forcing his shoulders, torso, arms, and legs through that banister."

Bush's perceived stubbornness and refusal to accept the intractable nature of the problem only further fanned the flames of opposition.

"This administration needs to face the reality that some places are simply too narrow for the president to jam his head into," Newsweek columnist Michael Isikoff said. "President Bush is acting like a small child who, even after doing something terribly ill-advised—namely putting his head in that banister—still refuses to admit any error."

"This whole thing's just incredibly fucking stupid," Isikoff added.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close