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Bush Reluctantly Accepts Donation From Parents

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Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child

The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:

Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

How U.S. Schools Can Improve Math Education

With U.S. students regularly placing behind 20 to 25 other nations in mathematics test scores, many education experts are wondering what the sources of the problem are and how we can take steps to fix them. Here’s a look at how American schools can improve their math curricula and help struggling students:

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Obamas Decide To Stay In White House Until Daughters Finish High School

‘We Don’t Want To Uproot Them Just For Our Jobs,’ Say Parents

WASHINGTON—Saying it wouldn’t be fair to disrupt their lives after seven years in the same school district, Barack and Michelle Obama this week announced their plans to stay in the White House until their daughters graduate high school.

How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Single, Unemployed Mother Leeching Off Government

WASHINGTON—Taking advantage of the system and giving nothing back in return, local unemployed, single mother Mei Xiang reportedly gave birth to two more children out of wedlock this week and continued to pathetically leech off the government.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

How New Parents Can Stay Healthy

Having a baby changes everything, and the resulting lack of sleep and general stress can contribute to a decline in overall wellness. Here are some ways new parents can prevent bad habits and maintain good health

Single Woman With 3 Young Children Unaware She Subject Of 984 Judgments Today

LINCOLN, NE—Oblivious to the thoughts and looks directed toward her as she shopped for groceries, stopped by the post office, and ran several other errands with her three young children, single mother Karen Nichols, 29, was reportedly completely unaware that she was the focus of 984 separate judgments by strangers this afternoon.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 
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Bush Reluctantly Accepts Donation From Parents

DEL MAR, CA–Despite strong personal reservations, Republican presidential contender George W. Bush confirmed Monday that he has "reluctantly" agreed to accept a $2 million donation from his parents "to help with some of the mounting expenses involved in running for office."

Presidential hopeful George W. Bush is flanked by his mom and dad, who holds a check for him.

"I didn't want to do it, as I have always prided myself on paying my own way," Bush told reporters during a campaign stop near San Diego. "Unfortunately, the increasing difficulty of competing with the Gore campaign's unlimited taxpayer war chest has forced me to accept some limited financial support."

According to Bush 2000 spokesman Geoff Bahnsen, Bush has agreed to a one-time loan in the form of a check for $2 million, to help cover some of his travel and grocery expenses between now and November. Bahnsen stressed that the candidate will pay his parents back the full amount, plus interest, "just as soon as he gets back on his feet financially."

Bush's acceptance of money from his parents to help defray campaign costs is said to be a severe blow to his pride. Since announcing his candidacy, the Texas governor has made a point of refusing all financial help from his well-to-do parents and their various friends and business associates.

"For a self-made man like George W. to lower himself to accepting money from his family must have been very hard," said Kate O'Beirne, Washington editor for The National Review. "Here is a man who loathes the notion of privilege. However, this was a case where he had to be man enough to admit that he needed a little help. And, luckily, his parents were able to spare the $2 million."

Throughout the race, Bush has paid for all his expenses out of pocket, supplementing his income with various "odd jobs" while on the campaign trail. Such self-sufficiency and insistence on personal fiscal responsibility is nothing new for the presidential hopeful.

"Bootstrap" Bush, as he was affectionately known at Yale, first gained notoriety for his discipline and thrift while at the Ivy League school, paying his own way through by working as a prep cook at a New Haven-area diner. Several years later, after having donated his six-figure trust fund to charity, Bush won a low-income scholarship to Harvard Business School. He refused the money, however, insisting at the time that "working my way through school by doing night janitorial work is the best way for me to build character and learn the value of a dollar."

In 1989, when his father and various business associates decided that the young George W. might want to try his hand at running a major-league baseball team, the younger Bush refused outside assistance, working a second job at a local convenience store for an entire summer to save up the $137 million he needed to buy the Texas Rangers.

Similarly, he has steadfastly refused his father's offers to share in his oil holdings over the years, opting instead to prospect new sites and dig the oil wells himself.

"By showing a little old-fashioned, Texas-style gumption and hard work, George W. has become a major oil baron in his own right," Washington Post reporter Hanna Rosin said. "Sure, it would have been easier for him to ride his father's coattails to success, but that's not his way. George W. Bush is a proud man who doesn't believe in exploiting the considerable advantages with which he was born."

For his part, Bush maintained that his decision to accept money from his mother and father is a one-time emergency measure.

The donation and the card in which it arrived.

"I didn't become governor of Texas by using my family's wealth, power, and connections. I did it through hard work–selling Grit door-to-door, holding garage and yard sales, mowing lawns in the summertime, and raking leaves in the fall to get the money I needed to fund my campaign," Bush said at a car-wash fundraiser.

"My family raised me right, teaching me that a little elbow grease and some perseverance are all I need to make my dreams come true," continued Bush, pausing briefly to hose the suds off a 1992 Chevy Lumina. "Just because Dad helped me out with an extra $2 million doesn't mean I'm going to be living the high life on somebody else's dime."

Members of Bush's campaign staff agreed.

"You can bet you'll see him out there on the streets tomorrow morning as usual, broom in hand, sweeping off storefronts for $3 apiece, just like he always does," said Rev. Buford H. Lee, a retired Baptist minister and volunteer Bush 2000 campaign manager. "That's a man who, even when he hardly has enough fuel in his private jet to make a weekend campaign stop in Ohio, still finds it in his heart to take what little jet fuel he does have and give half of it to the Widow Sanderson down the way."

The elder Bush echoed his son's down-to-earth approach.

"There's no shame in accepting charity if, like my son, you are truly in need of securing victory in a presidential election," the former president said. "After all, we're all human beings, and we all need help sometimes."

"But charity can only go so far," Bush continued. "My daddy taught me, as I in turn have taught my son, to always believe in starting your own motor. A man's got to get out there and pound the pavement if he expects to earn a decent, honest living and put food on the table for his family. That's just the Bush way."

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