adBlockCheck

Bush Rushing To Get Nation In Order Before Hu Jintao's Visit

Top Headlines

Recent News

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Bush Rushing To Get Nation In Order Before Hu Jintao's Visit

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush announced in a hastily arranged press conference Monday that he wanted to make the entire country "as presentable as possible" for visiting Chinese President Hu Jintao, who was scheduled to arrive for a five-day state visit in a matter of hours.

Bush addresses problems in Bedford–Stuyvesant, Brooklyn.

"I knew he was coming, but I didn't realize he was coming today—just look at this place," said a visibly flustered Bush, as he and his Secret Service detail hurriedly picked up trash along Interstate 66 near Arlington, VA. "We got the area around the [National] Mall spotless, but now it just makes the rest of the city look worse. There are homeless people cluttering up our streets—and not just here, but in Denver and San Francisco, too."

"It's humiliating how much we let this place go," Bush added.

Bush said he blocked out all of Saturday afternoon "to get our great nation looking halfway decent" before Hu's visit, but he soon became overwhelmed as he realized how much more needed to be done.

"The more I try to straighten up, the more problems I find," Bush said. "Look at all this sprawl around Chicago and Atlanta. What a disaster! Well, they have approximately four hours to pick it up. Hu's landing at Andrews Air Force Base at six."

Bush surveyed the Baltimore area from Marine One Tuesday, making personal stops at the most troubled kitchens.

By midday, Bush was able to quickly swab agricultural runoff along the Ohio River and deploy various Air Force fix-winged transport aircraft to Gary, IN to spray the blighted industrial city with Glade-brand air freshener. Yet he could only stuff Detroit's problems in abandoned buildings in the city's center, and lay conspicuous blue tarps over Baltimore and East St. Louis.

"Goodness," Bush added, wiping his brow. "I can't believe people actually live in this filthy country."

Reports that Bush promised residents of rural Appalachia nearly $750,000 of his own money to go to the movies during the four nights of Hu's stay could not be confirmed.

"Oh, and we should really put out that $60 billion China gave us last year," Bush said.

White House Chief of Staff Josh Bolten said the president was still concerned about the "unsightly traffic" around the nation's major urban centers, and was trying to do a "quick patch-up job" on low public-school test scores. He also called upon Americans to give him a hand in cleanup efforts.

"The president would really, really appreciate it if Americans dropped what they were doing and helped him get things in order—especially in Idaho, which is still a complete mess," Bolten said.

Bolten also said the president wanted Americans to be on their best behavior for "the nice people from China," adding that arguments over welfare reform, immigration, and foreign policy would have to wait until Hu leaves. "We can always go back to our 300 years of racial tension later," Bolten said.

Bush expressed worry that the U.S. "wouldn't be able to withstand" any harsh judgment Hu and his high-level entourage might hold against some of the more unsightly parts of the country, particularly the Gulf Coast region, which "hasn't been touched for months." Bush authorized his staff to "just stall" the Chinese president if he requested a New Orleans tour.

Administration critics, however, blame the frantic cleanup effort not on citizens' indifference, but on Bush himself, whom they claim has spent too much energy tinkering with Iraq. The volatile Middle Eastern nation's expensive, time-consuming upkeep has kept Bush from focusing on more mundane but arguably more vital home-front issues, critics argue.

Many ordinary citizens believe that Bush is overreacting.

"If China is such a good friend, they won't care how the place looks," said Brookings, SD resident Ben Holdness, 33, who was ordered to hose off Mt. Rushmore. "Besides, I don't see the Chinese picking up after their own ugly steel mills and polluted rivers and human-rights abuses. I hear people are always tripping over their stupid plastic toys, too."

"If everything gets cleaned up, how are we going to know where everything is?" said Tucson, AZ resident Cindy Eckelman.

In spite of these arguments, Bush said he was determined that the country not resemble "a pigsty."

"If China can keep a wall up for a few thousand years, surely we can clean the old hornet nests out of the greater Raleigh area," Bush said. "If we don't do anything, Hu is going to take one look at this place and wonder how we got to be the world's No. 1 superpower. Seriously, the place looks disgusting."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close