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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Bush Tearfully Addresses Nation After Watching Field Of Dreams

WASHINGTON, DC—Moments after watching a TNT afternoon showing of the 1989 sports tearjerker Field Of Dreams Sunday, a visibly moved President Bush interrupted national television broadcasts to address the nation. "My fellow Americans, I am telling you, we all must see this movie together," said a moist-eyed Bush, whose voice broke several times during the address. "I don't usually cry during movies, but... well, when I bought the Texas Rangers, I had hoped baseball could bring me and my dad together, but he was always too busy being president, and he's getting up there now, and... America just really needs to see this movie, is all." Two-thirds of Americans polled said they would not watch the film with the president, complaining that Bush tries to recite every line along with the movie, and always says, "Wasn't that great?" after his favorite parts.

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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