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Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Bush: Thousands Of Registered Democrats Needed For 'Extremely Important' Mission

WASHINGTON, DC—In a televised address to the nation Monday, President Bush announced that the U.S. is in "desperate need of thousands of registered Democrats" to conduct what he called an "extremely important mission" to begin immediately and continue at least until the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November.

Bush lauded the "progressive American heroes" who he says will be vital in carrying out the mission.

"This mission is absolutely vital, for the next week to 10 days will determine the future of our country," said Bush, who would not reveal what the operation entailed, only to say that it was "highly classified."

"We are calling on the most stalwart Democrats in the land," Bush said. "In fact, they are the only ones capable of making it a success."

Although details were limited, an unnamed administration official revealed that, on Wednesday, November 1, registered Democrats will be asked to report to designated government rendezvous points such as post offices and military recruiting centers. Once there, they will be registered, fingerprinted, and issued one-piece jumpsuits, bedding, and canteens of drinking water, then directed to board brown school buses bound for an undisclosed location or locations.

"Certainly it will mean sacrifice, and possibly a prolonged absence from your families," Bush said. "We need at least 40,000 Democrats, but more are always welcome."

"Our very way of life depends on it," he added.

While Bush said any registered Democrat is eligible to participate, those who reside in Arizona's Fifth, Ohio's First, and Pennsylvania's Eighth Congressional Districts are most needed to ensure the mission's success. Democrats from New Jersey, Missouri, Tennessee, and "especially Virginia" were also strongly encouraged to volunteer.

Bush also called on the 64 percent of citizens upset with the handling of the situation in Iraq, the 80 percent who think Congress is doing a poor job, and the 63 percent who disapprove of his own job performance as "supremely qualified for the special task."

Bush added that the same liberal voters with whom his administration has traditionally been at odds would be "warmly welcomed and fully accommodated." Bush appealed to Democrats' "noble hearts," describing his traditional political foes as "a breed apart—passionate, dedicated Americans who can really make a difference."

"Staunch supporters of abortion rights, reduced dependence on foreign oil, gay marriage, and a national system of health care: We need you now more than ever," Bush said. "Registered Democrats in Michigan and Georgia who believe that the federal minimum wage needs to be increased and that global warming is being inadequately addressed are perfectly suited for such a selfless venture."

Bush's announcement drew an enthusiastic reaction from a Republican Congress dispirited by a series of scandals and criticism over its lackluster legislative performance.

“I am delighted that, in this arduous midterm election season, the White House is finally reaching across the aisle to these fine, vigilant individuals,” said Sen. Rick Santorum (R–PA), who is up for re-election around the same time as the proposed mission. "Despite our differences, I know the Democrats of my home state are the kinds of folks the president is talking about—strong, devoted, caring people who support stem-cell research and stronger gun laws."

Acknowledging the "tough times and hardship" endured by soldiers stationed in Iraq, Bush also announced plans to give the entire military the day off on Nov. 7 so they can take some time to "relax, reflect, and vote."

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