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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Bush To Meet With Agriculture Secretary Down In The Holler

WASHINGTON—Deputy Secretary of Agriculture Charles F. Conner told reporters Tuesday that he plans to meet later this week with President George W. Bush down in the holler, just up over to the crick, where it's sometimes hard to tell where the fireflies end and the stars begin. "I done tole George we need to talk 'bout that $37 billion farm bill he's fixing to veto," said Conner, who last met with Bush in June under them big ol' oak bluffs, back when it felt like summer stretched clear on out to forever. "Seems to me he oughtn't be lettin' it become law on account of it containin' increased crop-loan rates and target prices. I tell ya, though, that boy do go on sometimes." The president could not be reached for comment as he was out 'round back the shed making all kinds of ruckus with them hound dogs he loves so much.

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