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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Bush To Olympians: 'Bring Back Lots Of Valuable Gold'

WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush delivered an encouraging motivational message to Beijing-bound Olympians Monday, urging them to "compete swifter, higher, and stronger in their pursuit of gold" so that they may achieve not just the glory of victory but the hard cash value of the much-needed commodity. "Truly, victory and pride are beyond price, but gold is currently going for $916.78 a troy ounce," Bush said in the Rose Garden speech, delivered just hours after he was unable to secure an agreement with the Chinese ambassador to forge the Olympic medals out of debt-relief certificates. "In striving, you uplift the hearts of all Americans, but in victory alone will you actually get something that can help us out of the current economic slump. I mean, silver is barely over 17 bucks. Might as well drop out at that rate." Bush later held a closed-door Oval Office meeting with swimmer Michael Phelps, whose possible eight gold medals could potentially help the Olympic team break even on travel costs.

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