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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Bush To Olympians: 'Bring Back Lots Of Valuable Gold'

WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush delivered an encouraging motivational message to Beijing-bound Olympians Monday, urging them to "compete swifter, higher, and stronger in their pursuit of gold" so that they may achieve not just the glory of victory but the hard cash value of the much-needed commodity. "Truly, victory and pride are beyond price, but gold is currently going for $916.78 a troy ounce," Bush said in the Rose Garden speech, delivered just hours after he was unable to secure an agreement with the Chinese ambassador to forge the Olympic medals out of debt-relief certificates. "In striving, you uplift the hearts of all Americans, but in victory alone will you actually get something that can help us out of the current economic slump. I mean, silver is barely over 17 bucks. Might as well drop out at that rate." Bush later held a closed-door Oval Office meeting with swimmer Michael Phelps, whose possible eight gold medals could potentially help the Olympic team break even on travel costs.

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