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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Bush Urges Senate To Give Alito Fair, Quick, Unanimous Confirmation

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush urged the Senate Monday to act with speed, evenhandedness, and absolute obedience in confirming Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court. "Each of you, as servants of the public trust, must consider this man carefully, review his record, and vote 'yes,'" Bush said. "I ask that you do your duty, and treat this as you would any of my priorities, be they judges, legislation, or wars." Bush's message was not well-received on either side of the aisle, with Democrats accusing him of bullying tactics and Republicans hurt he thought he had to ask.

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