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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Bush Vows To Put Man On Moon Before It Disappears At End Of Month

WASHINGTON, DC (Jan. 14)—To revive U.S. interest in manned space exploration, President Bush called on NASA Wednesday to put an astronaut on the moon before it vanishes at the month's end. "The moon has already shrunk to nearly a quarter of its size," Bush said in his speech at NASA headquarters. "That means we have less than a week to move. But I do believe America has the strength, determination, and old-fashioned know-how to get a man atop the moon before it disappears altogether." The president went on to propose the construction of a lunar capsule that could land on a concave surface.

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