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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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Bush's Eyelid Accidentally Nailed To Wall

WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush sustained a perforation injury to his right eyelid when a pneumatic nail gun malfunctioned and shot a 12-centimeter-long iron nail that entered Bush's superonasal sclera, exited through his upper eyelid, and then penetraed the wall of the White House Blue Room. The president remained pinned to the wall for a period of 27 hours before help arrived. According to witnesses, Bush was found passed out with blood dripping from his right tear duct. Doctors confirmed that the intraocular foreign body was removed during a four-hour operation Sunday, and reported significant damage to Bush's supratrochlear nerve, likely caused by the president's unsuccessful attempt to forcibly rip his eyelid in half to escape. It is unclear whether he will ever regain sight in his right eye. Bush is resting comfortably at Bethesda Naval Hospital.

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