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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Business Traveler Closes Mini-Bar

CHARLOTTE, NC—After a long day of meetings and seminars, business traveler Patrick Hodge stayed up late Monday, closing the mini-bar in room 1815 of the Charlotte Marriott. "I'm usually a two-martini-then-hit-the-sack kind of guy," Hodge said. "But I was really wound up, and they had lots of those little bottles of my favorite liquors, so I said, 'What the hey?'" After closing down the mini-bar, Hodge staggered to the hotel's vending machine to beat the 3 a.m. "after-mini-bar rush."

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