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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Businessman Goes Home For The Holidays To Network With Family

NEW YORK—Emphasizing the importance of “developing contacts and getting your name out there,” sales coordinator Keith Elliott told reporters on Tuesday that he was traveling home to Ohio for the holidays to put in some solid networking time with his family. “Christmas is a great opportunity for me to really work the room, and I’m hoping to make some big contacts, especially on my mom’s side of the family,” said Elliott, who mentioned that he would “definitely try to get in some good face time” with his dad, who works in retail. “You just never know which sibling or nephew might have an ‘in’ for you somewhere, so it’s really important to cultivate personal, win-win relationships with all of them.” Elliott added that he planned on enclosing his business card in his gift to his second cousin Steven Brolin, who reportedly “knows some of the higher-ups over at a Fortune 500 company.”

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