IRVINE, CA—Aiming to provide customers with an effective and easy way to consume their products free from judgment, Taco Bell officials announced Thursday that patrons at any of the fast food chain’s 5,600 locations will now be given the option to have their purchases appear inconspicuously on credit card and bank statements under the name “TBfoodsLLC.”
ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Citing a need to compete in today's "cutthroat" business environment, PricewaterhouseCoopers CEO Samuel DiPiazza has made it a habit to drive home from his Manhattan office once a day to rapidly indulge in a 15-minute power bath. "During today's session I got on three conference calls and appointed a new global board member, all while grabbing a few quick suds," a robed DiPiazza told reporters Monday after hurriedly blowing out the pineapple-orchid scented candles positioned around his modern, stainless steel bathroom. "No time to waste. I come home, draw up a quick bubble B, do a little videocon with the Japan people, slap on some brown-sugar-and-fig body butter, whip out the BlackBerry, and exfoliate the shit out of myself, and bam: totally refreshed and rejuved." An utterly relaxed DiPiazza swerved into oncoming traffic and died in a head-on collision while driving back to work later that day.