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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Buster Olney Breaks In New Microphone By Tucking It Under Mattress For Night

BRISTOL, CT—Stressing that he has used the same method for years and is always pleased with the results, ESPN baseball analyst Buster Olney confirmed Monday that he breaks in a new microphone by tucking it tightly beneath his mattress before going to sleep. “Everybody has their own way of loosening them up, but I like to just pop it under my bed, and after a few days it’s ready for the new season,” said the 50-year-old veteran baseball columnist, proudly displaying his freshly oiled Sennheiser SKM wireless mic. “My friend Tim [Kurkjian] wraps his in rubber bands and puts it in the oven, but I heard that could mess up the copper on the voice coil and end up ruining it. I just keep it simple—a few nights between the mattress and the box spring is all the mic needs. It feels perfect in my hand after that.” Olney also confirmed that prior to its first use, he applies a coat of polish to the microphone to “give it a nice shine before going out to the field.”

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