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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Buster Olney Breaks In New Microphone By Tucking It Under Mattress For Night

BRISTOL, CT—Stressing that he has used the same method for years and is always pleased with the results, ESPN baseball analyst Buster Olney confirmed Monday that he breaks in a new microphone by tucking it tightly beneath his mattress before going to sleep. “Everybody has their own way of loosening them up, but I like to just pop it under my bed, and after a few days it’s ready for the new season,” said the 50-year-old veteran baseball columnist, proudly displaying his freshly oiled Sennheiser SKM wireless mic. “My friend Tim [Kurkjian] wraps his in rubber bands and puts it in the oven, but I heard that could mess up the copper on the voice coil and end up ruining it. I just keep it simple—a few nights between the mattress and the box spring is all the mic needs. It feels perfect in my hand after that.” Olney also confirmed that prior to its first use, he applies a coat of polish to the microphone to “give it a nice shine before going out to the field.”

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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