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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Buster Olney Breaks In New Microphone By Tucking It Under Mattress For Night

BRISTOL, CT—Stressing that he has used the same method for years and is always pleased with the results, ESPN baseball analyst Buster Olney confirmed Monday that he breaks in a new microphone by tucking it tightly beneath his mattress before going to sleep. “Everybody has their own way of loosening them up, but I like to just pop it under my bed, and after a few days it’s ready for the new season,” said the 50-year-old veteran baseball columnist, proudly displaying his freshly oiled Sennheiser SKM wireless mic. “My friend Tim [Kurkjian] wraps his in rubber bands and puts it in the oven, but I heard that could mess up the copper on the voice coil and end up ruining it. I just keep it simple—a few nights between the mattress and the box spring is all the mic needs. It feels perfect in my hand after that.” Olney also confirmed that prior to its first use, he applies a coat of polish to the microphone to “give it a nice shine before going out to the field.”

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