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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Who's Fucking: Zack and Evan

Coworkers Zack and Evan talk about moving past first impressions, stepping out of your comfort zone, and understanding what it really means to fuck someone.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Buster Olney Encourages His Children to Submit Any Questions They Might Have About Homework, Sex, or Trade Rumors to @Buster_ESPN

YORKTOWN HEIGHTS, NY—ESPN baseball writer Buster Olney sat his kids down Monday evening to tell them they could always bring any questions about school, reproductive health, Alfonso Soriano's contract, or anything else on their minds to him on Twitter. "I don't care what the question is, whether it's about long division, having wet dreams, run differential, or whatever, I'm your dad and I'm going to tweet you back," said Olney, reminding his children that any prospective trade acquisition they asked about at this point in the season would have to first pass through waivers. "I do get a lot of tweets, so you guys may want to use a hashtag like #olneyfamily to make sure I see it, but the important thing to know is that I will always be there for you on social media." Olney cautioned his kids to type @Buster_ESPN with an underscore, claiming there was "some guy" with the Twitter handle @BusterESPN pretending to be him.

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