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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Busy, Busy Postindustrial Society

It's a fine day in Activeville! Everyone is hustling and bustling around, looking as if they have things to do! But you know what? They actually don't!

Once upon a time, years and years ago, the citizens of Activeville did have many, many things to do—back when Activeville was the #1 manufacturer of chemically synthesized dyes and machine-tooled industrial parts in all of Happyland.

But times changed, and the things the citizens of Activeville did to stay busy moved to other places like Pickletown and Peppermint City. Sometimes these things traveled far, far away from Happyland itself, to places where people speak other languages and did not need to be paid nearly as much.

Now, just about all the people of Activeville can do is drink coffee, shop and earn liberal-arts degrees! Do you live in a place like Activeville, too? Look at these page and see how many things you recognize!

Starbucks Overpriced fashion boutique

Goths

Starbucks                  Overpriced fashion boutique

Squad car Hippie

         Goths

Recent college graduate

Squad car                 &nbsp        &nbsp         Hippie

Recent college graduate

College students, duffle bag, vagabond

 

Duffel bag         College students   Vagabond

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