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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Busy Man Has So Many Things He Needs To Get Oh, Look, 'Tin Cup' Is On

DAYTON, OH—Local man Tom Pletcher, 38, reportedly blocked off his entire Sunday to run a number of errands he has been meaning to get around to, including having his brakes checked, renewing his passport, and oh, look, Pletcher told reporters, the 1996 romantic sports comedy Tin Cup is on.

Pletcher

Pletcher, who noted he's been so busy at work lately he hasn't had time to get anything else done, said that, nice, he's pretty sure the TBS showing of the film just started because Don Johnson's character just asked Tin Cup to caddy for him, which he said is a little bit after Rene Russo's first golf lesson.

"I have so much to do today," Pletcher said while sitting on his couch and raising the television volume. "First I have to clean the garage, and then I'll take a trip out to Lowe's. I also I promised [Pletcher's boss] Mark [Freidman] I would have something for him by Monday."

"Ha!" he added in reaction to the scene in which Kevin Costner is told that he still owes his stripper ex-girlfriend Doreen $250 even after he gives her the deed to his driving range. "Oh, right, that's why he has to pawn his golf clubs. Forgot that part."

Pletcher said that along with finally filling out holiday cards for clients, he might have to go into the office later, and that while he catches parts of Tin Cup on television here and there, the last time he watched the entire film about Roy "Tin Cup" McAvoy—a broken-down driving range pro who attempts to impress a girl by winning the U.S. Open—was probably more than five years ago.

After paying bills, Pletcher needs to run to the store and, wow, those two really do have chemistry, don't they?

Pletcher confirmed he set aside time to reply to a dozen or so e-mails, and that, here we go, you got to love the scene where Tin Cup uses a shovel and a rake instead of golf clubs to beat that one guy to win his money back. According to Pletcher, he's seen that part a thousand times but, okay, next commercial he's really got to start getting some stuff done.

"Mark has been pressuring me to set up some more appointments in the development at Georgetown Manor so I'm…" said Pletcher, a Realtor with Prudential, whose eyes then drifted back toward the television screen. "Cheech Marin is great in this."

"I love this right here," he continued, referring to the scene in which Costner's character lies down on Rene Russo's couch to reveal that his dress shoes are just golf shoes with the spikes removed. "Okay, at 2:30 I'm leaving this house. The scene where Don Johnson wins the bet by hitting the ball down the road should happen before that."

Pletcher, who needs to purchase new shelves for the kitchen, said that Kevin Costner "pulls off the golf stuff" really well in the 14-year-old film, and is just as convincing in Tin Cup as he was in the 1988 film Bull Durham, which Pletcher called "one of those movies you can just sit down and watch whenever."

Pletcher added that he thinks Lowe's closes at 7, so he should be fine.

"I'll probably only watch for another 10 minutes, anyway," he said after getting a beer from the refrigerator and opening up a bag of potato chips. "[Wife] Holly and the kids are visiting their grandma. It's been a long time since I've had the house to myself like this."

According to Pletcher, the scene is coming up where Tin Cup shanks the ball at the U.S. Open driving range and embarrasses himself in front of all the professional golfers, and eh, he can always move the filing cabinets into the attic next weekend.

At press time, Pletcher was collecting his car keys, and oh, nice, it looks like it's a Kevin Costner marathon and Field Of Dreams is on next.

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