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Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Busy Mel Kiper, Jr. Still Finds Time To Throw Around The Old Spreadsheet With His Daughter

TOWSON, MD—Despite the daily stresses of analyzing the upcoming NFL Draft, Mel Kiper, Jr. still finds time to toss the old spreadsheet around with his teenage daughter, the ESPN analyst said Friday. "It's easy for a busy parent to get caught up with work and miss what's really important," said Kiper, who fondly recalls throwing around accounting worksheets as a child with his own father. "She may say it's 'lame' that I still ask her to pull an old, broken-in printout of football statistics out of the garage and join me in the backyard for a game of catch, but deep down, she knows she'll remember the feel of the fading ink rubbing on her hands and the bond we formed here forever." Kiper then adjusted his hair and tie and returned to the dank, unadorned condominium filled with computer terminals and stacks of scouting reports where he lives alone.

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