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After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Busy Mel Kiper, Jr. Still Finds Time To Throw Around The Old Spreadsheet With His Daughter

TOWSON, MD—Despite the daily stresses of analyzing the upcoming NFL Draft, Mel Kiper, Jr. still finds time to toss the old spreadsheet around with his teenage daughter, the ESPN analyst said Friday. "It's easy for a busy parent to get caught up with work and miss what's really important," said Kiper, who fondly recalls throwing around accounting worksheets as a child with his own father. "She may say it's 'lame' that I still ask her to pull an old, broken-in printout of football statistics out of the garage and join me in the backyard for a game of catch, but deep down, she knows she'll remember the feel of the fading ink rubbing on her hands and the bond we formed here forever." Kiper then adjusted his hair and tie and returned to the dank, unadorned condominium filled with computer terminals and stacks of scouting reports where he lives alone.

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