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Busy Mom Wishes She Had Enough Spare Time To Fuck CIA Director

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Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Busy Mom Wishes She Had Enough Spare Time To Fuck CIA Director

MEDIA, PA—Folding laundry Thursday morning as she watched television coverage of the latest revelations in the affair between Gen. David Petraeus and his biographer Paula Broadwell, local mother Dinah Cooley told reporters she wished she had enough time to fuck the director of the CIA once in a while. “What I wouldn’t give to just drop everything, slip away for a little while, and fuck a CIA director,” Cooley said with a huff, adding that she doesn’t understand why it’s always someone else who gets to have fun fucking high-ranking military and intelligence officers. “Between cooking three meals a day, chauffeuring the kids around, and keeping this house in order, I barely have time to fuck a low-level CIA operative, much less the director of the whole agency. And even if I did get an hour alone with him, I’d probably be too exhausted to really get anything out of it.” Sighing softly as she returned to her work, Cooley added that she would just have to settle with fucking her neighbor for now.

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