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Man Born With Face You Just Want To Punch

In case you missed last night's premiere of the second season of "Onion News Network", watch Jean Anne Whorton's touching portrait of a man who was born with a god-awful, hateful face.

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Busy Referee Regrets Not Finding Time To Throw Flag Around With Son

TAMPA, FL—NFL referee Bob Turner wishes he could find more time to be at home throwing a flag around with his 8-year-old son, the veteran official said Friday. “Every dad wants the chance to spend some quality time in the backyard with his kid, tossing a flag on the ground, but traveling across the country every week means I don’t get to do that very often,” said Turner, who fondly remembers throwing a flag around with his own referee father. “One of these days I’m going to come home from a Super Bowl, want to throw the flag on the grass with him, and he’s not going to be a kid anymore.” Turner also admitted he sometimes worries his absence will lead the boy to fall in with the wrong crowd, and dreads the thought of getting a call at 3 a.m. notifying him his son has been charged with a face-masking penalty.

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