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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Busy Romney Sorry He Missed Nation's Piano Recital

WASHINGTON—Speaking at a press conference on behalf of presidential candidate Mitt Romney, campaign spokeswoman Andrea Saul told the American public how deeply sorry the GOP frontrunner was to have missed the nation's piano recital Saturday. "Mr. Romney knows how important it was to you, and he wanted to be there, he really did, but sometimes people running for office are very busy and have to spend the whole weekend at rallies in Wisconsin," said Saul, adding that the former Massachusetts governor understood how disappointing it must have been for the nation to look up and see that empty chair in the front row. "He's been briefed on how well you played, though, and he wanted me to tell you he's very proud of you and can't wait for the next recital. Not only will he be there, but he's promised to take everyone out for ice cream afterward." According to sources, Romney wanted to wake up the nation and apologize, but was told by his angry wife, Ann, that the country had just cried itself to sleep and didn't want to see the Republican candidate right now.

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