adBlockCheck

Local

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

'But A Fox Wouldn't Eat Gingerbread,' That One Precocious Little Asshole Reports

HORSEHEADS, NY—According to that one little asshole who's too smart for his own good and always insists on sitting right up at the front of the class during story time, foxes "wouldn't eat gingerbread." "They would never find that in their habitat," the precocious shit said Friday, a week after he insisted Jack would suffocate from lack of oxygen if he were to climb a beanstalk that high into the atmosphere. "Foxes eat small rodents and birds. Gingerbread would make a fox sick." The fucking know-it-all later added that foxes are mainly nocturnal.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close