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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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'But A Fox Wouldn't Eat Gingerbread,' That One Precocious Little Asshole Reports

HORSEHEADS, NY—According to that one little asshole who's too smart for his own good and always insists on sitting right up at the front of the class during story time, foxes "wouldn't eat gingerbread." "They would never find that in their habitat," the precocious shit said Friday, a week after he insisted Jack would suffocate from lack of oxygen if he were to climb a beanstalk that high into the atmosphere. "Foxes eat small rodents and birds. Gingerbread would make a fox sick." The fucking know-it-all later added that foxes are mainly nocturnal.

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