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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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'But A Fox Wouldn't Eat Gingerbread,' That One Precocious Little Asshole Reports

HORSEHEADS, NY—According to that one little asshole who's too smart for his own good and always insists on sitting right up at the front of the class during story time, foxes "wouldn't eat gingerbread." "They would never find that in their habitat," the precocious shit said Friday, a week after he insisted Jack would suffocate from lack of oxygen if he were to climb a beanstalk that high into the atmosphere. "Foxes eat small rodents and birds. Gingerbread would make a fox sick." The fucking know-it-all later added that foxes are mainly nocturnal.

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