Butterfly Fuck-Swing Filled With Junk Mail

Top Headlines


Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Butterfly Fuck-Swing Filled With Junk Mail

ELMHURST, IL—An adjustable butterfly fuck-swing once used by Nathan Moscone and Sofia Klein-Moscone to have wild and uninhibited sex in myriad aerial positions has been slowly filling up with junk mail over the past several months, the couple reported Monday.

The dozens of credit card offers, coupon flyers, and unsolicited catalogs were first stacked in the butterfly fuck-swing in order to clear off the dining table for visiting relatives, but more mail gradually began to accumulate on the soft vinyl seat designed to cushion the rapid, percussive strokes of lovemaking.

“The wife and I sure had some crazy times on that thing before we had the baby,” said Nathan Moscone, 37, motioning towards the adult toy, upon which he had just hung his suit jacket. “But it seems like forever since I turned her upside down in that thing and dripped hot wax onto her vulva. Maybe we can give it another go after we finish the deck. That’s taking up all my spare time at the moment.”

The butterfly fuck-swing features nylon straps, padded stirrups, a swiveling hook, a crossbar Klein-Moscone used to grasp in the throes of ecstasy, and, more recently, several unread issues of O, The Oprah Magazine.

Moved from the couple’s bondage room, now a nursery, to the den late last year, the fuck-swing ended up in an ideal location to deposit mail deemed too unimportant for the already full rolltop desk in the corner. Other items, such as a box of edible lubricants and an 18-inch steel-studded leather paddle, were relocated to the attic to keep them out of the reach of the Moscones’ active and inquisitive 11-month-old daughter, Abby.

Klein-Moscone, 33, said that she had considered simply throwing out the junk mail, but balked after the last time, when she accidentally discarded an important medical bill that had been placed in the butterfly fuck-swing.

“I swear I’ll get to sorting out that mail soon,” said Klein-Moscone, who less than two years ago would strap herself into the butterfly fuck-swing at her husband’s slightest suggestion, but now only interacts with the sex apparatus when rummaging through it for a Home Depot receipt.

In addition to raising a baby, Moscone said that working long hours, volunteering at their church, and doing yard work leaves him and his wife very little time to read their mail and enjoy exhilarating sadomasochistic fucking through unconventional methods.

“I was just thinking yesterday, Boy, I can’t remember the last time I had my fist up my wife’s asshole,” Moscone said. “It happens to every marriage, I guess.”

Also noticeably absent from the couple’s sexual repertoire is the bright purple silicone butt plug that, for the past several weeks, has been the favorite chew toy of their Pomeranian, Champ.

“I’d love to give those ankle and wrist restraints another go, but for the life of me I can’t remember where they are,” said Moscone about a set of chained leather cuffs that are currently being used to padlock a composting bin in the couple’s backyard. “And I haven’t seen hide nor hair of our cock rings since we were up in Lake Geneva. We’ll have to get some new ones, I guess.”

“Well, as soon as the family budget allows for it,” he added.

Despite being forced to retire the nipple clamps after the baby started nursing, the pair said they would still consider having exciting and adventurous sex if Klein-Moscone ever returned home from her advanced Pilates class with any remaining energy.

“Last Thursday, Nathan and I wanted to take his penis prison out of the shed to have a little bit of fun before Dateline,” said Klein-Moscone, referring to a rubber locking male-chastity device. “But, my God, was that shed a mess—we ended up just sorting junk. At least I found our favorite ball gag, which I’m going to hang in the garage so I know how far to pull the minivan in.”

Both Moscones hope to get their once-hot sex life back into gear in the spring, pledging to make good use of a leather hood and spreader bar when they try for another baby.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close