Buttons Just Don't Disappear, Reports Woman On Hands And Knees

In This Section

Vol 45 Issue 09

Paul Harvey Dead At 90

Legendary radio broadcaster Paul Harvey died of undisclosed causes in Arizona on Saturday. What do you think?

Stripper Putting Herself Through Life

JUPITER, FL—"I've got dreams a lot bigger than this dump," exotic dancer Nina Meyer explained. "I'm only doing this because there's no way I'll ever achieve them."
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Innovation

Personal Finance

Buttons Just Don't Disappear, Reports Woman On Hands And Knees

ANN ARBOR, MI—Although there is a slim chance the darn things might have rolled under the stove, Michigan resident Irene Sullivan, 50, stated conclusively Sunday that buttons, like the nice red ones on her favorite sweater, cannot simply vanish without a trace. "I know they don't just sprout legs and walk away, that's for sure," Sullivan told reporters from her position on all fours below the kitchen table. "Oh, for crying out loud, is that a baby carrot under the fridge?" The mother of two could not provide any further information as to why these things always happen right before church, but did refer back to an earlier declaration that if it's not one thing, it's another.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More