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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Buttons Just Don't Disappear, Reports Woman On Hands And Knees

ANN ARBOR, MI—Although there is a slim chance the darn things might have rolled under the stove, Michigan resident Irene Sullivan, 50, stated conclusively Sunday that buttons, like the nice red ones on her favorite sweater, cannot simply vanish without a trace. "I know they don't just sprout legs and walk away, that's for sure," Sullivan told reporters from her position on all fours below the kitchen table. "Oh, for crying out loud, is that a baby carrot under the fridge?" The mother of two could not provide any further information as to why these things always happen right before church, but did refer back to an earlier declaration that if it's not one thing, it's another.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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