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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Buying Everything Hairstylist Recommends Would Cost $8,000

PASADENA, CA—Purchasing every single item hairstylist David Bonadio recommended to her this morning would cost local woman Marya Hayes upwards of $8,000, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Start with the Serge Normant Meta Lush Volumizer, plus a good leave-in conditioner to keep your hair hydrated, and after that you’ll want to use a curling iron, the Chi Air ceramic hair dryer, a pomade, and obviously one of these heat-protectant sprays,” said Bonadio, standing before a display shelf at his salon and pointing to products whose combined price would equal more than a fifth of Hayes’ annual salary. “I’d suggest the tea-tree moisturizer with the applicator, as well as the oléo-relax serum. And if you don’t have a salon-quality oil, well, you’re just destroying your hair. Moroccanoil is best—that’s the first in a five-part treatment. You won’t regret it. Same goes for flexible-hold hair spray, a boar-bristle brush, and the Keratin Complex Volumizing Dry Shampoo Lift Powder. Those are absolutely essential.” At press time, Hayes had reportedly exited the salon with the same shampoo she always gets.

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