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Buying Everything Hairstylist Recommends Would Cost $8,000

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Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Financially Struggling Trump Campaign Holds Fundraising Riot

NEWARK, NJ—Having raised only $3.1 million last month despite clinching the Republican nomination and with just $1.3 million on hand, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign sought a much-needed injection of cash Wednesday by holding a fundraising riot in Newark, sources confirmed.

The Pros And Cons Of For-Profit Colleges

With studies showing that for-profit college degrees create more debt and no more added value for students, many are questioning the merits of these institutions. Here are the pros and cons of for-profit colleges

Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

Head Of IRS Has Personal Filing System To Keep Track Of Nation’s Tax Returns

Commissioner’s Office Cluttered With 100 Million Folders

WASHINGTON—Pointing out the towering stacks of manila folders cluttering his desk and stepping carefully around the millions of forms laid out on his office floor, Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service John Koskinen showed reporters Thursday his own personal filing system for keeping track of everyone in the nation’s tax returns.

Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match.

Koch Brothers Get Each Other Same Election For Christmas

WICHITA, KS—Chuckling and shaking their heads as they described their annual family gift exchange to reporters, Koch Industries executives Charles and David Koch confirmed Wednesday they had unwittingly gotten each other the same election for Christmas this year.
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Buying Everything Hairstylist Recommends Would Cost $8,000

PASADENA, CA—Purchasing every single item hairstylist David Bonadio recommended to her this morning would cost local woman Marya Hayes upwards of $8,000, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Start with the Serge Normant Meta Lush Volumizer, plus a good leave-in conditioner to keep your hair hydrated, and after that you’ll want to use a curling iron, the Chi Air ceramic hair dryer, a pomade, and obviously one of these heat-protectant sprays,” said Bonadio, standing before a display shelf at his salon and pointing to products whose combined price would equal more than a fifth of Hayes’ annual salary. “I’d suggest the tea-tree moisturizer with the applicator, as well as the oléo-relax serum. And if you don’t have a salon-quality oil, well, you’re just destroying your hair. Moroccanoil is best—that’s the first in a five-part treatment. You won’t regret it. Same goes for flexible-hold hair spray, a boar-bristle brush, and the Keratin Complex Volumizing Dry Shampoo Lift Powder. Those are absolutely essential.” At press time, Hayes had reportedly exited the salon with the same shampoo she always gets.

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