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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Buying Everything Hairstylist Recommends Would Cost $8,000

PASADENA, CA—Purchasing every single item hairstylist David Bonadio recommended to her this morning would cost local woman Marya Hayes upwards of $8,000, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Start with the Serge Normant Meta Lush Volumizer, plus a good leave-in conditioner to keep your hair hydrated, and after that you’ll want to use a curling iron, the Chi Air ceramic hair dryer, a pomade, and obviously one of these heat-protectant sprays,” said Bonadio, standing before a display shelf at his salon and pointing to products whose combined price would equal more than a fifth of Hayes’ annual salary. “I’d suggest the tea-tree moisturizer with the applicator, as well as the oléo-relax serum. And if you don’t have a salon-quality oil, well, you’re just destroying your hair. Moroccanoil is best—that’s the first in a five-part treatment. You won’t regret it. Same goes for flexible-hold hair spray, a boar-bristle brush, and the Keratin Complex Volumizing Dry Shampoo Lift Powder. Those are absolutely essential.” At press time, Hayes had reportedly exited the salon with the same shampoo she always gets.

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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