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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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BuzzFeed Editors Unsure How To Spin Petraeus Story Into Reason The '90s Were Great

NEW YORK—With Monday’s peak web traffic hours nearly over, editors at the viral content site BuzzFeed told reporters they were still searching for a way to incorporate the news of CIA director David Petraeus’s career-ending affair into a short article about why the 1990s were great. “I don’t know, I guess we could talk about how government officials also had affairs back in the ’90s, and then segue into the Lewinsky scandal, maybe?” BuzzFeed editor-in-chief Ben Smith said before asking staff members if anything about Petraeus could in any way be connected to the music video for the Blind Melon song “No Rain,” Crystal Pepsi, or scrunchies. “I guess Petraeus looks a little bit like David Schwimmer. Sort of. Does that work?” At press time, the editorial staff had reportedly decided to just make the article’s accompanying picture a split screen of a contrite Petraeus and a still from the animated television show Hey Arnold!

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