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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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BuzzFeed Editors Unsure How To Spin Petraeus Story Into Reason The '90s Were Great

NEW YORK—With Monday’s peak web traffic hours nearly over, editors at the viral content site BuzzFeed told reporters they were still searching for a way to incorporate the news of CIA director David Petraeus’s career-ending affair into a short article about why the 1990s were great. “I don’t know, I guess we could talk about how government officials also had affairs back in the ’90s, and then segue into the Lewinsky scandal, maybe?” BuzzFeed editor-in-chief Ben Smith said before asking staff members if anything about Petraeus could in any way be connected to the music video for the Blind Melon song “No Rain,” Crystal Pepsi, or scrunchies. “I guess Petraeus looks a little bit like David Schwimmer. Sort of. Does that work?” At press time, the editorial staff had reportedly decided to just make the article’s accompanying picture a split screen of a contrite Petraeus and a still from the animated television show Hey Arnold!

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