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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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BuzzFeed Editors Unsure How To Spin Petraeus Story Into Reason The '90s Were Great

NEW YORK—With Monday’s peak web traffic hours nearly over, editors at the viral content site BuzzFeed told reporters they were still searching for a way to incorporate the news of CIA director David Petraeus’s career-ending affair into a short article about why the 1990s were great. “I don’t know, I guess we could talk about how government officials also had affairs back in the ’90s, and then segue into the Lewinsky scandal, maybe?” BuzzFeed editor-in-chief Ben Smith said before asking staff members if anything about Petraeus could in any way be connected to the music video for the Blind Melon song “No Rain,” Crystal Pepsi, or scrunchies. “I guess Petraeus looks a little bit like David Schwimmer. Sort of. Does that work?” At press time, the editorial staff had reportedly decided to just make the article’s accompanying picture a split screen of a contrite Petraeus and a still from the animated television show Hey Arnold!

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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