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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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BuzzFeed Editors Unsure How To Spin Petraeus Story Into Reason The '90s Were Great

NEW YORK—With Monday’s peak web traffic hours nearly over, editors at the viral content site BuzzFeed told reporters they were still searching for a way to incorporate the news of CIA director David Petraeus’s career-ending affair into a short article about why the 1990s were great. “I don’t know, I guess we could talk about how government officials also had affairs back in the ’90s, and then segue into the Lewinsky scandal, maybe?” BuzzFeed editor-in-chief Ben Smith said before asking staff members if anything about Petraeus could in any way be connected to the music video for the Blind Melon song “No Rain,” Crystal Pepsi, or scrunchies. “I guess Petraeus looks a little bit like David Schwimmer. Sort of. Does that work?” At press time, the editorial staff had reportedly decided to just make the article’s accompanying picture a split screen of a contrite Petraeus and a still from the animated television show Hey Arnold!

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