Science & Technology

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
End Of Section
  • More News

BYU Scientists Convert Matter Into Mormonism

PROVO, UT—A team of physicists from Brigham Young University announced yesterday that they have succeeded in converting a tiny particle of matter into the truth and sanctity of the Book of Mormon.

According to BYU physicists, the new Joseph Smith Particle Accelerator may someday enable Mormons to proselytize "cheaply, cleanly and efficiently."

"This opens up a new world of possibilities for the Church," said Zebulon Calhoun, a particle physicist and Priest of the Melchizedek Order. "We can now conceive of a time in the near future when we will be able to proselytize cheaply, cleanly and efficiently."

The breakthrough occurred at the Joseph Smith Particle Accelerator, a giant, hollow tube buried 90 feet below the Bonneville Salt Flats. The tube was unearthed in 1986 by Mormon archaeologists after the President of the Church beheld a vision of a "splendiferous airy ring submerged by the Nephites as a final tabernacle before the great cataclysm."

To trigger the matter-to-Mormonism conversion, a microgram of the element strontium is ordained by the doctrine and arcana of the Urim and Thummim, then bombarded by a high-energy photon traveling at four-fifths the speed of light.

Strontium was chosen for the project because "of all the elements it is the most unstable and therefore the most likely to react strongly to common-sense teachings."

According to Calhoun, though the conversion was invisible to the naked eye, subatomic "fingerprints" left by the collision reveal that for a brief period, the neutrons and protons in the nuclei of the atoms were actually fused together by faith in Jesus Christ and his Gospel as restored through his latter-day prophet, Joseph Smith. Though the Mormon Church has acheived great success with its missionary work in the past, the Joseph Smith Particle Accelerator is expected to revolutionize its recruitment efforts.

"Within 50 years," Calhoun said, "the Mormonism contained in the atoms of just a single glass of water will be enough to convert a city the size of St. Louis."

Despite widespread enthusiasm, many Church Elders remain cautious.

"When you're dealing with a high-tech religious converter like this, you always run the risk of a terrible accident," Gadzekiel Foley said. "The last thing we need to worry about is a possible Mormon meltdown."

"I don't think we will ever find a replacement for good old-fashioned missionary work," agreed Gad Jones, Church Elder and president of BYU's Overseas Studies Program. "In terms of spreading goodwill and interest in our faith, all the atoms in the world still can't do what was once done by a little bit of country and a little bit of rock 'n' roll."

With its new converter, the Mormon Church should leap well ahead of its religious competitors. Catholic scientists are still experiencing technical problems with their guilt-fusion reactor, a device critics say requires such high levels of devotional prayer to reach operating temperature that it may never be cost effective.

The Lutheran Church has struggled as well, as its Missouri Synod Project, once touted as the forgiveness generator of tomorrow, has yet to produce its first high-energy, room-temperature Lutheran.

Only Hinduism has been able to keep pace with the Mormons, maintaining its longtime dominance in the field of Reincarnatronic technology.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.