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BYU Scientists Convert Matter Into Mormonism

PROVO, UT—A team of physicists from Brigham Young University announced yesterday that they have succeeded in converting a tiny particle of matter into the truth and sanctity of the Book of Mormon.

According to BYU physicists, the new Joseph Smith Particle Accelerator may someday enable Mormons to proselytize "cheaply, cleanly and efficiently."

"This opens up a new world of possibilities for the Church," said Zebulon Calhoun, a particle physicist and Priest of the Melchizedek Order. "We can now conceive of a time in the near future when we will be able to proselytize cheaply, cleanly and efficiently."

The breakthrough occurred at the Joseph Smith Particle Accelerator, a giant, hollow tube buried 90 feet below the Bonneville Salt Flats. The tube was unearthed in 1986 by Mormon archaeologists after the President of the Church beheld a vision of a "splendiferous airy ring submerged by the Nephites as a final tabernacle before the great cataclysm."

To trigger the matter-to-Mormonism conversion, a microgram of the element strontium is ordained by the doctrine and arcana of the Urim and Thummim, then bombarded by a high-energy photon traveling at four-fifths the speed of light.

Strontium was chosen for the project because "of all the elements it is the most unstable and therefore the most likely to react strongly to common-sense teachings."

According to Calhoun, though the conversion was invisible to the naked eye, subatomic "fingerprints" left by the collision reveal that for a brief period, the neutrons and protons in the nuclei of the atoms were actually fused together by faith in Jesus Christ and his Gospel as restored through his latter-day prophet, Joseph Smith. Though the Mormon Church has acheived great success with its missionary work in the past, the Joseph Smith Particle Accelerator is expected to revolutionize its recruitment efforts.

"Within 50 years," Calhoun said, "the Mormonism contained in the atoms of just a single glass of water will be enough to convert a city the size of St. Louis."

Despite widespread enthusiasm, many Church Elders remain cautious.

"When you're dealing with a high-tech religious converter like this, you always run the risk of a terrible accident," Gadzekiel Foley said. "The last thing we need to worry about is a possible Mormon meltdown."

"I don't think we will ever find a replacement for good old-fashioned missionary work," agreed Gad Jones, Church Elder and president of BYU's Overseas Studies Program. "In terms of spreading goodwill and interest in our faith, all the atoms in the world still can't do what was once done by a little bit of country and a little bit of rock 'n' roll."

With its new converter, the Mormon Church should leap well ahead of its religious competitors. Catholic scientists are still experiencing technical problems with their guilt-fusion reactor, a device critics say requires such high levels of devotional prayer to reach operating temperature that it may never be cost effective.

The Lutheran Church has struggled as well, as its Missouri Synod Project, once touted as the forgiveness generator of tomorrow, has yet to produce its first high-energy, room-temperature Lutheran.

Only Hinduism has been able to keep pace with the Mormons, maintaining its longtime dominance in the field of Reincarnatronic technology.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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