'C-List Celebrity Killer' Leaves Police Enthusiastically Guessing Who's Next

Top Headlines


Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history

Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 15, 2015

ARIES: Some things only become funny when you look back on them years later. Conversely, the events of next week will seem funny at the time, but as the years go by, society will gain sensitivity and learn to outgrow that sort of thing.

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 18, 2015

ARIES: Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead.

Highlights From ‘Go Set A Watchman’

Harper Lee’s buzzed-about new release, Go Set A Watchman, went on sale last week, taking the world by storm with its new investigations of Scout Finch as a grown woman and its divisive portrayal of her father, Atticus Finch, as a racist figure. Here are some highlights from the new book:

Leonardo DiCaprio Agrees To Donate It-Factor To Science

LOS ANGELES—Saying the gift would immeasurably improve their understanding of the ineffable quality that makes certain big-screen stars positively radiate, researchers at the University of California Los Angeles announced Tuesday that A-list actor Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to donate his it-factor to science.

How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Comic-Con Survival Guide

San Diego Comic-Con is expected to draw more than 130,000 fans to Southern California this year to participate in cosplaying, attend panels, go to film screenings, and learn more about their favorite series. Here are some tips for surviving the four-day conference

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


'C-List Celebrity Killer' Leaves Police Enthusiastically Guessing Who's Next

LOS ANGELES—Following Thursday's gruesome discovery of the remains of former Blossom star Joey Lawrence, law enforcement officials are feverishly speculating on the identity of the next victim of the so-called "C-list Celebrity Killer."

Police barricades hide the grisly scene inside the home of former MTV celebrity Bill Bellamy.

"We have reason to believe that Dan Cortese, Melissa Rivers, both Kid and Play, or British model Jordan could be next," said Lt. Greg Javers of the Los Angeles Police Department at a press conference Monday.

"Oh, and that 'I see dead people' kid," said Javers' associate, Lt. Jerry Patelli. "You know, what's-his-name."

The "C-list Celebrity Killer" is believed to have claimed as his first victim, Sabrina The Teenage Witch's Melissa Joan Hart, whose body was discovered floating near the Long Beach docks eight months ago, although some following the case believe that Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling's apparent suicide in April 2005 was the killer's handiwork as well.

"As a profiler, I really try to get inside the killer's head, see the world as he would see it," Javers said. "Who's out of the public eye and for how long? Have they done any long-distance phone commercials? Are they trying to lose weight on reality TV programs?"

"I'd also keep a very close eye on Yasmine Bleeth, the brunette from Baywatch who's not Carmen Electra," he added.

The ensuing deaths of ex-Married With Children actor David Faustino, the girl in that Lolita remake a few years back, and Lou Diamond Phillips, have police combing the website and frantically attempting to recall the names of stars of such defunct TV shows as The Nanny and Melrose Place.

"For a while, we thought about contacting Jenny McCarthy to make sure she was taking the necessary precautions, but then we saw that movie she wrote, directed, and starred in on Showtime," Patelli said. "Tough to say if she's at risk or not. For now, we'll just stick close to the police scanner and see how this one plays out."

Detectives have recently expanded their list of potential victims to these unnamed celebrities, among others.

Investigators said the most common patterns among the slain celebrities include routinely starring in shows cancelled within two seasons and appearing in made-for-TV or direct-to-DVD movies.

"We believe the likeliest targets are R&B one-hit wonders from the late '80s and early '90s, former child stars, and Maxim cover girls," Javers said. "You remember Punky Brewster? She had this weird name: Soleil something something, I think. Anyway, she's probably on the killer's list, too."

A subsequent discussion between the two policemen eventually ruled out Jamie Kennedy and David Arquette as potential victims. Skeet Ulrich was also crossed off the list when Capt. Janice White reminded them that he was starring in a new, mildly popular TV series.

After combing the Dawson's Creek complete series DVD set last month, Javers devised an elaborate "dead pool" the two officers planned to use to predict the next victim.

"Just when we thought we'd cracked the code, Molly Ringwald turned up bound and strangled in a Beverly Hills motel room," Patelli said. "We certainly didn't see that coming. My wife swears she just saw her on Scrubs or one of the doctor shows."

"It's like he's toying with us," he added.

The FBI has embarked on a related effort dubbed Operation Where Are They Now, in which they are canvassing houseboats and nightclubs and bars where celebrities have made paid personal appearances over the past three years, and scouring the call-back lists of auditions for Law & Order: Criminal Intent.

Police said that while they are following every lead, many of which are "going nowhere fast," they are overwhelmed by the sheer number of potential victims.

"After all these years on the force, I'll never figure out why bad things happen to good people," Javers said. "Rob Morrow was terrific in Northern Exposure, and really showed his range in Quiz Show. To see him gutted and defiled like that—it's enough to make you wish Orlando Bloom wasn't on such a hot streak, you know?"

There have been setbacks in the case, as well. In July, a lengthy discussion about whether Eric Roberts qualified as a C-list celebrity was disrupted by a phone call reporting that he had been found slain.

"After that, we really wanted to shift our attention to Peter Scolari, the guy from that Tom Hanks show," Patelli said. "But, in the end, we figured the C-list killer wouldn't waste his time on him, so why should we?"

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close