How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
End Of Section
  • More News


'C-List Celebrity Killer' Leaves Police Enthusiastically Guessing Who's Next

LOS ANGELES—Following Thursday's gruesome discovery of the remains of former Blossom star Joey Lawrence, law enforcement officials are feverishly speculating on the identity of the next victim of the so-called "C-list Celebrity Killer."

Police barricades hide the grisly scene inside the home of former MTV celebrity Bill Bellamy.

"We have reason to believe that Dan Cortese, Melissa Rivers, both Kid and Play, or British model Jordan could be next," said Lt. Greg Javers of the Los Angeles Police Department at a press conference Monday.

"Oh, and that 'I see dead people' kid," said Javers' associate, Lt. Jerry Patelli. "You know, what's-his-name."

The "C-list Celebrity Killer" is believed to have claimed as his first victim, Sabrina The Teenage Witch's Melissa Joan Hart, whose body was discovered floating near the Long Beach docks eight months ago, although some following the case believe that Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling's apparent suicide in April 2005 was the killer's handiwork as well.

"As a profiler, I really try to get inside the killer's head, see the world as he would see it," Javers said. "Who's out of the public eye and for how long? Have they done any long-distance phone commercials? Are they trying to lose weight on reality TV programs?"

"I'd also keep a very close eye on Yasmine Bleeth, the brunette from Baywatch who's not Carmen Electra," he added.

The ensuing deaths of ex-Married With Children actor David Faustino, the girl in that Lolita remake a few years back, and Lou Diamond Phillips, have police combing the website and frantically attempting to recall the names of stars of such defunct TV shows as The Nanny and Melrose Place.

"For a while, we thought about contacting Jenny McCarthy to make sure she was taking the necessary precautions, but then we saw that movie she wrote, directed, and starred in on Showtime," Patelli said. "Tough to say if she's at risk or not. For now, we'll just stick close to the police scanner and see how this one plays out."

Detectives have recently expanded their list of potential victims to these unnamed celebrities, among others.

Investigators said the most common patterns among the slain celebrities include routinely starring in shows cancelled within two seasons and appearing in made-for-TV or direct-to-DVD movies.

"We believe the likeliest targets are R&B one-hit wonders from the late '80s and early '90s, former child stars, and Maxim cover girls," Javers said. "You remember Punky Brewster? She had this weird name: Soleil something something, I think. Anyway, she's probably on the killer's list, too."

A subsequent discussion between the two policemen eventually ruled out Jamie Kennedy and David Arquette as potential victims. Skeet Ulrich was also crossed off the list when Capt. Janice White reminded them that he was starring in a new, mildly popular TV series.

After combing the Dawson's Creek complete series DVD set last month, Javers devised an elaborate "dead pool" the two officers planned to use to predict the next victim.

"Just when we thought we'd cracked the code, Molly Ringwald turned up bound and strangled in a Beverly Hills motel room," Patelli said. "We certainly didn't see that coming. My wife swears she just saw her on Scrubs or one of the doctor shows."

"It's like he's toying with us," he added.

The FBI has embarked on a related effort dubbed Operation Where Are They Now, in which they are canvassing houseboats and nightclubs and bars where celebrities have made paid personal appearances over the past three years, and scouring the call-back lists of auditions for Law & Order: Criminal Intent.

Police said that while they are following every lead, many of which are "going nowhere fast," they are overwhelmed by the sheer number of potential victims.

"After all these years on the force, I'll never figure out why bad things happen to good people," Javers said. "Rob Morrow was terrific in Northern Exposure, and really showed his range in Quiz Show. To see him gutted and defiled like that—it's enough to make you wish Orlando Bloom wasn't on such a hot streak, you know?"

There have been setbacks in the case, as well. In July, a lengthy discussion about whether Eric Roberts qualified as a C-list celebrity was disrupted by a phone call reporting that he had been found slain.

"After that, we really wanted to shift our attention to Peter Scolari, the guy from that Tom Hanks show," Patelli said. "But, in the end, we figured the C-list killer wouldn't waste his time on him, so why should we?"

Entertainment Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close