C-SPAN Ratings Up Following Addition Of 'The House Of Representatives Dancers'

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Vol 33 Issue 22

Suburban Teen Has Near-Def Experience

NEWTON, MA—Matthew Denny, a 17-year-old suburban Caucasian, is recuperating following a harrowing near-def experience Monday at Newton's NorthTowne Mall. "He came out of Bradlee's wearing a Starter jacket and Tommy Hilfiger sweatshirt, and suddenly he fell down and went into convulsions," witness Irene Wheeler said. "Writhing on the floor in those baggy pants, he looked like he was on the verge of def." Denny was rushed to a local hospital, where doctors administered emergency doses of Matchbox 20's Yourself Or Someone Like You.

Mongol Hordes Sack U.S.

An estimated $800 billion in damage was caused Monday when a horde of bloodthirsty Mongols sacked and pillaged the U.S. The horse-mounted Mongol warriors, operating from a stronghold in the Canadian wilderness, moved in from the north and plundered U.S. riches, sweeping as far south as Oklahoma before making their way back across the border. President Clinton is calling for the construction of a national moat to prevent future attacks.

Aerobics Show Used For Almost Completely Non-Aerobic Purpose

BELLEVUE, WA—The aerobics program Get Fit With Jenni was used for almost entirely non-aerobic purposes Tuesday, when Seattle-area 15-year-old Brian Elkins vigorously engaged in a low-impact cardiovascular workout while watching the TV show. Elkins performed his semi-aerobic routine while watching 22-year-old host Jenni Raye, clad in a spandex bikini-top and form-fitting lycra shorts, do hamstring-toning leg lifts while bent over on all fours. "We have determined that Brian's heart rate increased by about 35 percent during his semi-strenuous nine-minute regimen," said Elkins family physician Dr. Edward Farber. "His breathing rate likewise increased, and several large and small muscle groups received a modicum of aerobic movement and stretching." Elkins, who woke up with minor soreness the next day, said he "could really feel it working."

Report: Nuclear Arsenal Will Go Bad Unless Used By 2000

WASHINGTON, DC—A Defense Department report released Monday stated that the U.S. has barely a year and a half before its enormous stockpile of nuclear missiles goes bad. "Most of these weapons were manufactured in the mid-'70s with an expiration date of January 2000," the report read. Reacting quickly to the findings, Pentagon officials are hard at work fomenting overseas discord in hopes of preventing government waste.

Viagra Giving Hope To Thousands Of Struggling Stand-Up Comedians

Released only a few months ago, the new wonder-drug Viagra is providing hope for thousands of impotent stand-up acts across the U.S. "Could you imagine if Godzilla took Viagra?" said Chuckle Factory emcee Tony Campanelli, one of the many struggling stand-up performers whose sense of comedic vitality and virility have been boosted by the drug. "That Statue Of Liberty had better watch out." Chicago-area improv-troupe member Bobby Childs agreed. "We just ask the audience to suggest a popular new medication, and someone always yells Viagra. A laugh riot never fails to ensue," Childs said. "Medical science has truly blessed us with a second chance at pleasing audiences."

Area Turtle Owner Enjoys Special Daily Turtle-Time

DEARBORN, MI—Dennis Frye, 31, an unmarried lawn-care-supply wholesaler and home-turtle enthusiast, took special time out Monday, as he does every day, to enjoy quality care, feeding and maintenance of his pet turtle Sheldon.
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C-SPAN Ratings Up Following Addition Of 'The House Of Representatives Dancers'

WASHINGTON, DC—C-SPAN viewership rose an impressive 21 percent during the latest Nielsen ratings period, an increase C-SPAN executives are attributing to the cable channel's recent addition of The House Of Representatives Dancers.

C-Span

The dancers, an ethnically diverse sextet of young women who launch into high-energy hip-hop dance routines during lulls in congressional sessions, made their debut April 25 and have quickly become one of C-SPAN's most popular features.

"I used to switch channels during those long, boring House votes and filibuster speeches," Norwalk, CT, C-SPAN viewer Randolph Groelke said. "But now those are my favorite parts."

Said C-SPAN president Edward Rumsfeld: "We are deeply indebted to Kim, Randi, Dayna and all the other Fly Honeys on the H. of R. Dancer Krew for expanding our viewer base and introducing a broader demographic to the exciting world of federal legislation."

Special commendation was also awarded to DJ Funkmaster G, for "throwing down the beats which are sufficiently phat to accompany our nation's elected officials. Thanks to his tireless efforts on the turntables, the House Of Representatives is representin' coast-to-coast and worldwide."

To accommodate the newest stars of C-SPAN's daily broadcasts, the House chamber was widened considerably in April to add a light-up dance floor and a wall of video screens to the right of the Speaker's chair. A graffiti-strewn brick wall has been installed behind the speaker's podium to give the chamber a "street-scene" ambiance.

Next week's schedule on C-SPAN calls for debate on a possible revision to current AFDC law, voting on a controversial Florida Wetlands preservation bill, and "Gonna Make You Sweat" by C+C Music Factory.

The dancers are the first major addition to C-SPAN since the May 1997 introduction of "Mr. Slotnik," Congress' cantankerous landlord.

If C-SPAN's ratings remain up, the network plans to add a kickboxing segment to Senate proceedings.

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