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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.
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C-SPAN Ratings Up Following Addition Of 'The House Of Representatives Dancers'

WASHINGTON, DC—C-SPAN viewership rose an impressive 21 percent during the latest Nielsen ratings period, an increase C-SPAN executives are attributing to the cable channel's recent addition of The House Of Representatives Dancers.

C-Span

The dancers, an ethnically diverse sextet of young women who launch into high-energy hip-hop dance routines during lulls in congressional sessions, made their debut April 25 and have quickly become one of C-SPAN's most popular features.

"I used to switch channels during those long, boring House votes and filibuster speeches," Norwalk, CT, C-SPAN viewer Randolph Groelke said. "But now those are my favorite parts."

Said C-SPAN president Edward Rumsfeld: "We are deeply indebted to Kim, Randi, Dayna and all the other Fly Honeys on the H. of R. Dancer Krew for expanding our viewer base and introducing a broader demographic to the exciting world of federal legislation."

Special commendation was also awarded to DJ Funkmaster G, for "throwing down the beats which are sufficiently phat to accompany our nation's elected officials. Thanks to his tireless efforts on the turntables, the House Of Representatives is representin' coast-to-coast and worldwide."

To accommodate the newest stars of C-SPAN's daily broadcasts, the House chamber was widened considerably in April to add a light-up dance floor and a wall of video screens to the right of the Speaker's chair. A graffiti-strewn brick wall has been installed behind the speaker's podium to give the chamber a "street-scene" ambiance.

Next week's schedule on C-SPAN calls for debate on a possible revision to current AFDC law, voting on a controversial Florida Wetlands preservation bill, and "Gonna Make You Sweat" by C+C Music Factory.

The dancers are the first major addition to C-SPAN since the May 1997 introduction of "Mr. Slotnik," Congress' cantankerous landlord.

If C-SPAN's ratings remain up, the network plans to add a kickboxing segment to Senate proceedings.

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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

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