adBlockCheck

Politics

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
End Of Section
  • More News

C-SPAN Releases Too Hot For C-SPAN! Video

WASHINGTON, DC—In the cable network's first-ever foray into the home-video market, C-SPAN released Too Hot For C-SPAN! Tuesday.

A GATT-treaty debate gets out of hand as enraged U.S. Rep. John McCaskill (D-CA) charges Rep. Walter Fordice (R-NH) during a 1996 congressional session.

The 60-minute, $19.95 videotape features what its packaging describes as "wild and sexy congressional outtakes you won't see on basic cable."

"Sometimes, the action in the House and Senate gets a little out of control, and footage must be held back from the general public," C-SPAN spokesperson Larry Jainchill said. "But now, for the first time ever, you can see it all. Too Hot For C-SPAN! is your front-row ticket to all the outrageous, uncensored action."

In one typical segment, Rep. Henry Waxman (D-CA) argues against the passage of HR-4236, the Omnibus Parks And Public Lands Management Act, calling it "a clear case of Republican pork-barrel politics gone awry." Angered by Waxman's disparaging remarks, the bill's co-sponsor, Rep. James Talent (R-MO) shouts at him, "That's it, bitch, I'm through with your ass," and charges the podium. He then tackles Waxman, pulling his hair and punching him several times before a muscular congressional page pulls the legislators apart.

In another segment, Sen. Bob Graham (D-FL), angered by Sen. Don Nickles' (R-OK) call for a 1.3 percent increase in federal interstate subsidies over the next five years, calls Nickles "a dumb Oklahoma hick who can't get none of his shit approved in the Senate." Nickles responds by calling Graham a "fat Florida fuck" and charges at him. As the livid Nickles is dragged back to his seat by several Republican colleagues, he shouts at Graham: "You just a temporary thang, Bob Graham. Your ass gonna be voted out of office this November. Me, I gots me a 83 percent approval rating in my home district, so I ain't going nowhere—I'm forever, bitch!"

While a majority of Too Hot For C-SPAN!'s content is violent, it does also contain a substantial amount of sexually explicit material. Just before proposing an amendment to Sec. 11, Par. B of the the Hawkins-Taylor Clean Water Act, Sen. Barbara Mikulski (D-MD) unbuttons her blouse, revealing her breasts, and says, "My fellow members of Congress, it's all about the body."

U.S. Rep. Susan Northrup (R-NH) surprises her fellow federal legislators during an October 1997 House Appropriations Committee hearing on Pell Grant allocations.

Mikulski's actions were later denounced by Sen. Carol Moseley-Braun (D-IL), who called them "grossly inappropriate and wholly unacceptable." Moseley-Braun also said that Mikulski had "a fat pussy."

Among the other highlights listed in the Too Hot For C-SPAN! press release: a "sassy catfight between Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) and Sen. Susan Collins (R-ME)"; Sen. Alfonse D'Amato delivering "the filthiest filibuster you've ever heard"; and a "massive bi-partisan pileup" between the Senate Committee On Environment And Public Works and the Committee On Banking, Housing And Urban Affairs concerning the rights of developers to build in the same district as federally protected land.

"When John Chafee says he got it on with Paul Sarbanes' wife while Sarbanes was off on a fact-finding mission to the Florida wetlands," the press release states, "the gloves are off!"

Despite his excitement over the tape, C-SPAN's Jainchill did stress that it is not intended for minors. "Due to its subcommittee melees, profanity-laden roll calls, and wild catfights, Too Hot For C-SPAN! is inappropriate for those under 18. But for everyone else, believe me—you won't want to miss a minute of the incredible gavel-to-gavel action."

"Aw, wicked," said longtime C-SPAN viewer Greg Ammons of La Jolla, CA, when informed of the tape. "I love when they go at it on C-SPAN, and now I can see all the really hot action and hear the really great insults without those annoying 'Oops!' circles appearing over the mouths of the congressmen. This tape is gonna rule."

Encouraged by the substantial pre-order sales for Too Hot For C-SPAN!, C-SPAN is already going ahead with Too Hot For C-SPAN2! The second tape will feature "incredible, totally uncensored" footage from C-SPAN's sister network, C-SPAN2, including author Daniel Yergin's attempt to discuss his new book, The Commanding Heights: The Battle Between Government And The Marketplace That Is Remaking The Modern World, while a pair of 300-pound strippers paints his body with chocolate sauce.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close