adBlockCheck

Politics

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
End Of Section
  • More News

Cackling Trump Reveals To Dinner Guests They’ve All Just Eaten Single Piece Of His Tax Returns

WASHINGTON—A satisfied smirk spreading across his face as he watched them finish their meals, a cackling Donald Trump reportedly revealed to dinner guests Tuesday that each and every one of them had just eaten a single piece of his tax returns. “Now that you’re done dining, let me ask: Did you notice anything, shall we say, interesting about your entrées?” said the president, who caused those seated in the State Dining Room to look down at their now empty plates in revulsion as he gleefully revealed that he had diced up over 20 years of pages from his federal and New York State tax filings and sprinkled them into each of the meal’s seven lavish courses. “Dr. Bornstein, you seemed to enjoy your duck roulades. And my good professor, that crab risotto certainly agreed with you. Well, would it surprise you to learn that the dishes you’ve all just partaken of contain morsels of my 1099-Bs from 1995 to 2015? Quite delicious, weren’t they? Please, please don’t be shy about asking for seconds.” At press time, as the disgusted guests stood up from the table and hastily exited, a giddy Trump called out to remind them that they hadn’t even had dessert yet.

More from this section

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close