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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Cactus Scientists Recommend Drinking 8 Cups Of Water Per Year

WASHINGTON—A consortium of the nation’s leading cactus doctors issued a new set of guidelines Thursday recommending that Americans drink at least 8 cups of water per year to maintain proper hydration. “Studies have repeatedly shown that, in the face of 110-degree heat and intense exposure to the sun’s rays, the average adult requires a full 0.2 ounces of fluid each day,” said 15-foot giant saguaro cactus Dr. Bronson Prickle, who also suggested the nation cope with its current record-breaking drought by using a widespread root system and specialized waxy layer of skin to retain as much moisture as possible. “Furthermore, our research indicates that protecting oneself against desert herbivores is integral to longevity, and can be achieved by maintaining tough external spines and unpalatable, bitter flesh.” At press time, a nesting pygmy owl was peering from an opening in one of Dr. Prickle’s many arms.

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