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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Cal Ripken Jr. Moves Into 8 Billionth Place On Consecutive-Games-Not-Played List

BALTIMORE—Cal Ripken Jr. celebrated a new milestone in his not-playing-baseball career on Tuesday as he moved into 8 billionth place on the consecutive-games-not-played list. "It's never been about the streak for me," Ripken said Tuesday, speaking to reporters while wearing a commemorative patch featuring his likeness and the number 8,000,000,000 on the shoulder of his official Orioles-issued golf shirt. "I'm just doing the same thing a lot of unsung American heroes do every day—just going out there every single day and not playing the game of baseball to the best of my ability." The Orioles plan to commemorate the accomplishment by televising Ripken jogging a victory lap around his living room in a ceremony attended by his wife, children, and 5,000 Orioles season-ticket holders selected via lottery.

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