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Cal Ripken Jr. Moves Into 8 Billionth Place On Consecutive-Games-Not-Played List

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WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

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Cal Ripken Jr. Moves Into 8 Billionth Place On Consecutive-Games-Not-Played List

BALTIMORE—Cal Ripken Jr. celebrated a new milestone in his not-playing-baseball career on Tuesday as he moved into 8 billionth place on the consecutive-games-not-played list. "It's never been about the streak for me," Ripken said Tuesday, speaking to reporters while wearing a commemorative patch featuring his likeness and the number 8,000,000,000 on the shoulder of his official Orioles-issued golf shirt. "I'm just doing the same thing a lot of unsung American heroes do every day—just going out there every single day and not playing the game of baseball to the best of my ability." The Orioles plan to commemorate the accomplishment by televising Ripken jogging a victory lap around his living room in a ceremony attended by his wife, children, and 5,000 Orioles season-ticket holders selected via lottery.

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