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California To Release All Prisoners Who Seem Nice Enough

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Hostage With Family Really Lording It Over Everyone Else

CHICAGO—Rolling their eyes and sighing under their breath as they listened to the man babble on about how he had a wife and two young daughters at home, a group of individuals being held captive by gunmen in a Chicago warehouse reportedly grew annoyed at a fellow hostage Thursday who was lording the fact that he had a family over everyone else.

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ITHACA, NY—Indicating that such individuals regularly experience feelings of satisfaction and derive genuine enjoyment from their daily existence, a report released Thursday by Cornell University’s psychology department has determined that some people are actually very happy.

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RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.

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California To Release All Prisoners Who Seem Nice Enough

SACRAMENTO, CA—In an effort to reduce prison populations throughout the state, California governor Jerry Brown announced today that he would release all inmates who seemed as though they were nice enough people. “The goal of this new initiative is to gather a rough first impression of whether or not a prisoner is a decent-enough-seeming person, and to release him or her back into society based solely on that general gut reaction," said Brown, adding that prison authorities would spend an estimated 12 minutes with each inmate to chat about “this and that” and decide whether or not a prisoner seemed like the friendly sort. "Obviously, some might try to take a swing at the warden in the beginning, but if they calm down from there and maybe smile a few times, they’re probably fine." At press time, officials at San Quentin State Prison had determined that inmate Vincente “Lobo” Díaz came across as slightly eccentric, granted, but basically likable.

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