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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Call From Daycare Can't Be Good

HARRISBURG, PA—Speculating that the rest of her day will now definitely take a turn for the worse, local mother Nicole Mendlow confirmed Friday that an incoming call she is currently receiving from her 4-year-old son’s daycare center can’t possibly be good. “Well, this is going to be rough,” Mendlow said while staring at the nursery school’s phone number flashing across her iPhone screen. “It’s not like they call you in the middle of the day to say your child is doing great. Either he hit another kid, they can’t find him, or he’s hurt.” At press time, sources confirmed that, Christ, it was even worse than Mendlow thought.

After Birth

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