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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Calm Sense Of Impending Violence Returns To Middle East As Ceasefire Brokered

GAZA CITY—Following today’s announcement of an official ceasefire between Hamas and Israel, putting an end to eight straight days of widespread violence along the Gaza Strip, sources confirmed that the region has now finally returned to a calm, tranquil sense of imminent violence. “Thank goodness we can all go back to our quiet, normal lives in which the prospect of widespread bloodshed constantly looms over us every second of every day,” said Gaza resident Tamer Bisharat, 42, echoing the sentiments of millions of Israelis and Palestinians glad to return to a state of unbearably tense normalcy. “It’s just nice to know that I can safely go outside again, knowing that all is peaceful, still, and constantly on the verge of erupting into sudden, full-scale warfare at any given time.” At press time, relieved residents of Israel and Gaza were planning to spend the rest of the week unwinding, relaxing with their families, and imagining over and over being killed in an exploding bus.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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