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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Calm Sense Of Impending Violence Returns To Middle East As Ceasefire Brokered

GAZA CITY—Following today’s announcement of an official ceasefire between Hamas and Israel, putting an end to eight straight days of widespread violence along the Gaza Strip, sources confirmed that the region has now finally returned to a calm, tranquil sense of imminent violence. “Thank goodness we can all go back to our quiet, normal lives in which the prospect of widespread bloodshed constantly looms over us every second of every day,” said Gaza resident Tamer Bisharat, 42, echoing the sentiments of millions of Israelis and Palestinians glad to return to a state of unbearably tense normalcy. “It’s just nice to know that I can safely go outside again, knowing that all is peaceful, still, and constantly on the verge of erupting into sudden, full-scale warfare at any given time.” At press time, relieved residents of Israel and Gaza were planning to spend the rest of the week unwinding, relaxing with their families, and imagining over and over being killed in an exploding bus.

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