Calm Sense Of Impending Violence Returns To Middle East As Ceasefire Brokered

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Vol 48 Issue 48

Congress Arrested On Manslaughter Charges

WASHINGTON—In a stunning development that has left every federal institution reeling, the U.S. government’s legislative branch was arrested this afternoon on 23.3 million separate charges of manslaughter, sources confirmed. Citing numerous let...

Congress Arrested On Manslaughter Charges

In a stunning development that has left every federal institution reeling, the U.S. government’s legislative branch was arrested this afternoon on 23.3 million separate charges of manslaughter, sources confirmed.

Reports Of Movie Being Good Reach Area Man

CHICAGO—Local resident Daniel Paxson has reportedly heard dozens of accounts from numerous friendly sources in the past two weeks confirming that the new James Bond film is pretty good.

Nick Moyer

In a private ceremony Thursday night, members of Kappa Delta Psi honored the memory of their recently deceased fraternity brother Nick Moyer by doing what he loved best: drinking a lot of Busch and showing their dicks to one another.

U.N. Votes To Recognize Palestine

Over the strong opposition of the United States and Israel, the U.N. General Assembly voted 138 to 9 to grant the West Bank and Gaza Strip status as a “non-member observer state,” moving one step closer to recognizing Palestinian sovereignty. What do you think?
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    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Calm Sense Of Impending Violence Returns To Middle East As Ceasefire Brokered

GAZA CITY—Following today’s announcement of an official ceasefire between Hamas and Israel, putting an end to eight straight days of widespread violence along the Gaza Strip, sources confirmed that the region has now finally returned to a calm, tranquil sense of imminent violence. “Thank goodness we can all go back to our quiet, normal lives in which the prospect of widespread bloodshed constantly looms over us every second of every day,” said Gaza resident Tamer Bisharat, 42, echoing the sentiments of millions of Israelis and Palestinians glad to return to a state of unbearably tense normalcy. “It’s just nice to know that I can safely go outside again, knowing that all is peaceful, still, and constantly on the verge of erupting into sudden, full-scale warfare at any given time.” At press time, relieved residents of Israel and Gaza were planning to spend the rest of the week unwinding, relaxing with their families, and imagining over and over being killed in an exploding bus.

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