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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Calvin Johnson Says He Played 2012 Season With Broken Heart

DETROIT—Months following his record-setting 2012 campaign, Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson shocked football fans Wednesday, revealing that he played much of last season with a severely broken heart. “A certain someone banged up my heart pretty bad, but I wasn’t about to let that stop me from doing what had to be done,” said the Lions wideout, who last year caught 122 passes for an NFL record 1,964 yards while reportedly suffering from the chronic pain and anguish of having his heart torn out and shattered into a thousand pieces. “Sure, it makes it difficult to perform when you’ve had your heart trampled on by the one person who told you she would always be there for you. It really hurts, but when a situation like that arises, you just gotta play through it, you know?” At press time, Johnson added, “Lilah. Oh, Lilah, Lilah, Lilah.”

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