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Cam Newton Proving He Can Throw Football A Lot

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

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Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

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Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Cam Newton Proving He Can Throw Football A Lot

CHARLOTTE, NC—With 83 total throwing attempts in the first two games of the season, Panthers rookie quarterback Cam Newton has proven to critics that he can not only throw a football, but can throw it a lot. “A big question mark in the offseason was whether Newton had the arm strength and endurance to throw the ball over and over and over again,” said NFL analyst Jay Glazer, admitting he was wrong to have doubted Newton, who now holds the record for most pass attempts by a rookie in the first two games of a season. “He’s showing a lot of poise out there—a week after throwing the ball 37 times, he went out there and threw the ball 46 times. People are already saying he might be one of the most copious throwers this game has ever seen.” Experts agree that what makes Newton a true threat is the combination of his ability to throw a lot plus his ability to move his feet a lot in whatever direction he wants.

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