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Sports

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Camden Yards Concessions To Stop Selling Crack After Seventh Inning

BALTIMORE—In an effort to improve spectator safety, Oriole Park at Camden Yards personnel announced Monday that the ballpark’s concession stands will henceforth stop selling crack cocaine at the conclusion of the seventh inning. “By cutting off crack sales toward the end of the game, we feel we can enhance the overall baseball experience for all of our guests, including those who want to burn a little rock,” director of ballpark operations Kevin Cummings told reporters, adding that the stadium will be leaving in place its longstanding regulations prohibiting ticket holders from purchasing more than two vials of the cocaine freebase at once, as well as instructing concession stand workers and bleacher vendors not to sell to anyone who looks like they’ve already had too much to smoke. “We want our visitors to exercise moderation while they’re smoking crack and cheering on our Baltimore Orioles, and we feel this new rule will make that possible. From now on, fans who have been hitting the pipe all afternoon can take a bit of a breather to come down and stop tweaking out long enough to stagger home safely. That’s what Orioles baseball is all about.” Cummings added that the stadium’s concession workers would continue to check IDs for everyone seeking to purchase crack, noting that—per Baltimore city regulations—sales of the drug are prohibited to anyone 14 years of age or younger.

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