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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Camden Yards Concessions To Stop Selling Crack After Seventh Inning

BALTIMORE—In an effort to improve spectator safety, Oriole Park at Camden Yards personnel announced Monday that the ballpark’s concession stands will henceforth stop selling crack cocaine at the conclusion of the seventh inning. “By cutting off crack sales toward the end of the game, we feel we can enhance the overall baseball experience for all of our guests, including those who want to burn a little rock,” director of ballpark operations Kevin Cummings told reporters, adding that the stadium will be leaving in place its longstanding regulations prohibiting ticket holders from purchasing more than two vials of the cocaine freebase at once, as well as instructing concession stand workers and bleacher vendors not to sell to anyone who looks like they’ve already had too much to smoke. “We want our visitors to exercise moderation while they’re smoking crack and cheering on our Baltimore Orioles, and we feel this new rule will make that possible. From now on, fans who have been hitting the pipe all afternoon can take a bit of a breather to come down and stop tweaking out long enough to stagger home safely. That’s what Orioles baseball is all about.” Cummings added that the stadium’s concession workers would continue to check IDs for everyone seeking to purchase crack, noting that—per Baltimore city regulations—sales of the drug are prohibited to anyone 14 years of age or younger.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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