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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Camden Yards Concessions To Stop Selling Crack After Seventh Inning

BALTIMORE—In an effort to improve spectator safety, Oriole Park at Camden Yards personnel announced Monday that the ballpark’s concession stands will henceforth stop selling crack cocaine at the conclusion of the seventh inning. “By cutting off crack sales toward the end of the game, we feel we can enhance the overall baseball experience for all of our guests, including those who want to burn a little rock,” director of ballpark operations Kevin Cummings told reporters, adding that the stadium will be leaving in place its longstanding regulations prohibiting ticket holders from purchasing more than two vials of the cocaine freebase at once, as well as instructing concession stand workers and bleacher vendors not to sell to anyone who looks like they’ve already had too much to smoke. “We want our visitors to exercise moderation while they’re smoking crack and cheering on our Baltimore Orioles, and we feel this new rule will make that possible. From now on, fans who have been hitting the pipe all afternoon can take a bit of a breather to come down and stop tweaking out long enough to stagger home safely. That’s what Orioles baseball is all about.” Cummings added that the stadium’s concession workers would continue to check IDs for everyone seeking to purchase crack, noting that—per Baltimore city regulations—sales of the drug are prohibited to anyone 14 years of age or younger.

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