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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Camera Crew Discreetly Trails Overweight Woman For Obesity Segment

MILWAUKEE—A WITI News camera crew spent 30 minutes inconspicuously following an overweight woman at the Henry W. Maier Festival Park Monday to capture footage for an upcoming segment on obesity. "It's hard to get anyone to agree to be filmed to illustrate what a fat person looks like," cameraman Doug Kovalik said, nonchalantly pointing his camera at an obese woman who was tugging at a pair of shorts bunched into her crotch while she ate a corn dog. "We avoid the whole mess by shooting them from behind or the neck down. It saves us the hassle of filling out release forms." Kovalik last used this discreet filming technique in May, when he captured B-roll at a local craft mall for a segment on managed care for the elderly.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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