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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Camp Counselor Assigning Kids To Horses Like Wise Town Matchmaker Presiding Over Marriage

POLAND, ME—Studying the youngsters in front of the stable as if she alone possessed the insight into who belonged with whom, Rockbrook Camp counselor Melissa Burke, 19, reportedly assigned kids to horses in a beginner horseback riding class Thursday like a sage town matchmaker presiding over marriage arrangements. “Sarah, I think Nutmeg would be perfect for you—he’s a nice, kind horse,” said Burke, who skillfully paired the 11- and 12-year-olds with horses by character and temperament as if they were village sons and daughters for whom she was shrewdly brokering a wedding dowry. “Oh, and Alicia? You should be with Cookie. He’s a little anxious, but I bet you’ll be able to calm him down just fine.” At press time, Burke was guiding a shy camper toward a rambunctious horse named Shadow as though she were a naïve maiden being pressured into wedding the town’s most drunken and irritable landowner.

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