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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Camp Counselor Assigning Kids To Horses Like Wise Town Matchmaker Presiding Over Marriage

POLAND, ME—Studying the youngsters in front of the stable as if she alone possessed the insight into who belonged with whom, Rockbrook Camp counselor Melissa Burke, 19, reportedly assigned kids to horses in a beginner horseback riding class Thursday like a sage town matchmaker presiding over marriage arrangements. “Sarah, I think Nutmeg would be perfect for you—he’s a nice, kind horse,” said Burke, who skillfully paired the 11- and 12-year-olds with horses by character and temperament as if they were village sons and daughters for whom she was shrewdly brokering a wedding dowry. “Oh, and Alicia? You should be with Cookie. He’s a little anxious, but I bet you’ll be able to calm him down just fine.” At press time, Burke was guiding a shy camper toward a rambunctious horse named Shadow as though she were a naïve maiden being pressured into wedding the town’s most drunken and irritable landowner.

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