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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Campaign Adviser Recommends Throwing Old Blanket Over Romney For Debates

DENVER—Helping to devise the Republican presidential nominee’s strategy for his upcoming debates against Barack Obama, campaign adviser Kevin A. Hassett recommended appealing to viewers by maybe throwing an old sheet or blanket over Mitt Romney for the duration of the contests, sources reported Wednesday. “I think we just take an old quilt or painting drop cloth and throw it right over his head before opening statements. Nothing too nice, though,” Hall reportedly suggested to Romney campaign staff, adding that they could secure the edges of a tarp with rocks or bungee cords so it doesn’t blow off. “It might not cover him up all the way, but as long as it’s over his head and torso, that’ll be fine. I think viewers will really respond to that. This could be a real game-changer.” Hassett added that at the end of each debate, campaign volunteers could simply fold Romney up, drag him onto a flatbed truck, and haul him off to his next appearance.

For live coverage of tonight's debate, follow @OnionPolitics starting at 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT.

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