adBlockCheck

Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
End Of Section
  • More News

Campaign Adviser Recommends Throwing Old Blanket Over Romney For Debates

DENVER—Helping to devise the Republican presidential nominee’s strategy for his upcoming debates against Barack Obama, campaign adviser Kevin A. Hassett recommended appealing to viewers by maybe throwing an old sheet or blanket over Mitt Romney for the duration of the contests, sources reported Wednesday. “I think we just take an old quilt or painting drop cloth and throw it right over his head before opening statements. Nothing too nice, though,” Hall reportedly suggested to Romney campaign staff, adding that they could secure the edges of a tarp with rocks or bungee cords so it doesn’t blow off. “It might not cover him up all the way, but as long as it’s over his head and torso, that’ll be fine. I think viewers will really respond to that. This could be a real game-changer.” Hassett added that at the end of each debate, campaign volunteers could simply fold Romney up, drag him onto a flatbed truck, and haul him off to his next appearance.

For live coverage of tonight's debate, follow @OnionPolitics starting at 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close