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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Campaign Adviser Recommends Throwing Old Blanket Over Romney For Debates

DENVER—Helping to devise the Republican presidential nominee’s strategy for his upcoming debates against Barack Obama, campaign adviser Kevin A. Hassett recommended appealing to viewers by maybe throwing an old sheet or blanket over Mitt Romney for the duration of the contests, sources reported Wednesday. “I think we just take an old quilt or painting drop cloth and throw it right over his head before opening statements. Nothing too nice, though,” Hall reportedly suggested to Romney campaign staff, adding that they could secure the edges of a tarp with rocks or bungee cords so it doesn’t blow off. “It might not cover him up all the way, but as long as it’s over his head and torso, that’ll be fine. I think viewers will really respond to that. This could be a real game-changer.” Hassett added that at the end of each debate, campaign volunteers could simply fold Romney up, drag him onto a flatbed truck, and haul him off to his next appearance.

For live coverage of tonight's debate, follow @OnionPolitics starting at 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT.

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