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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Camping Tips

Summer is just around the corner, and that means it's almost time for fun in the great outdoors. Here are some tips to make your next camping trip safe and enjoyable:

  • If you are a sitcom character and your camping trip is going badly, do not say, "Look on the bright side: At least the weather's nice."

  • Though not widely reported, America's raccoons and opossums are pitted against each other in a fierce turf war. Avoid getting caught in the crossfire.
  • Lake and river water may be unsafe to drink. Steam all water and lick the condensation off a sheet of canvas.
  • Under no circumstances should you let your girlfriend go camping with that guy from her pottery class. Trust me on this one.
  • Waking up feeling groggy with a sore anus is perfectly normal on camping excursions. It has to do with the fresh air, so keep quiet and don't tell anyone about it.
  • For a fun trip through the fertile fields of the imagination, camp out in front of the TV all day.
  • Remember: Snakes are freaky-looking creatures that will bug you out if you chance across them. Why? Get this: The little fuckers don't have any legs at all.
  • No matter what people tell you, do not take a long hike off a short pier. Drowning may result.
  • Most of us are well-acquainted with the popular expression, "Go fuck a moose," but few have actually done so. Until you've experienced this majestic outdoor activity firsthand, you have not truly lived.
  • Packing women's makeup and a feather boa will enable you to camp in a very "campy" manner, indeed.
  • When facing an enraged grizzly bear, be sure to wear comfortable, waterproof shoes and thick socks.
  • A good rule of thumb regarding campground etiquette is that if a trailer is a-rocking, it is probably best not to come a-knocking.
  • Our national parks are home to many magnificent forms of indigenous American wildlife. Be sure to carry a rifle with plenty of stopping power.
  • To hike, put one foot in front of the other, propelling yourself forward at a steady, workmanlike pace. After repeating this action thousands of times, you will theoretically begin to experience "fun."
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