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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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  • ‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

    PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.


  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Camping Tips

Summer is just around the corner, and that means it's almost time for fun in the great outdoors. Here are some tips to make your next camping trip safe and enjoyable:

  • If you are a sitcom character and your camping trip is going badly, do not say, "Look on the bright side: At least the weather's nice."

  • Though not widely reported, America's raccoons and opossums are pitted against each other in a fierce turf war. Avoid getting caught in the crossfire.
  • Lake and river water may be unsafe to drink. Steam all water and lick the condensation off a sheet of canvas.
  • Under no circumstances should you let your girlfriend go camping with that guy from her pottery class. Trust me on this one.
  • Waking up feeling groggy with a sore anus is perfectly normal on camping excursions. It has to do with the fresh air, so keep quiet and don't tell anyone about it.
  • For a fun trip through the fertile fields of the imagination, camp out in front of the TV all day.
  • Remember: Snakes are freaky-looking creatures that will bug you out if you chance across them. Why? Get this: The little fuckers don't have any legs at all.
  • No matter what people tell you, do not take a long hike off a short pier. Drowning may result.
  • Most of us are well-acquainted with the popular expression, "Go fuck a moose," but few have actually done so. Until you've experienced this majestic outdoor activity firsthand, you have not truly lived.
  • Packing women's makeup and a feather boa will enable you to camp in a very "campy" manner, indeed.
  • When facing an enraged grizzly bear, be sure to wear comfortable, waterproof shoes and thick socks.
  • A good rule of thumb regarding campground etiquette is that if a trailer is a-rocking, it is probably best not to come a-knocking.
  • Our national parks are home to many magnificent forms of indigenous American wildlife. Be sure to carry a rifle with plenty of stopping power.
  • To hike, put one foot in front of the other, propelling yourself forward at a steady, workmanlike pace. After repeating this action thousands of times, you will theoretically begin to experience "fun."