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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Camping Tips

Summer is just around the corner, and that means it's almost time for fun in the great outdoors. Here are some tips to make your next camping trip safe and enjoyable:

  • If you are a sitcom character and your camping trip is going badly, do not say, "Look on the bright side: At least the weather's nice."

  • Though not widely reported, America's raccoons and opossums are pitted against each other in a fierce turf war. Avoid getting caught in the crossfire.
  • Lake and river water may be unsafe to drink. Steam all water and lick the condensation off a sheet of canvas.
  • Under no circumstances should you let your girlfriend go camping with that guy from her pottery class. Trust me on this one.
  • Waking up feeling groggy with a sore anus is perfectly normal on camping excursions. It has to do with the fresh air, so keep quiet and don't tell anyone about it.
  • For a fun trip through the fertile fields of the imagination, camp out in front of the TV all day.
  • Remember: Snakes are freaky-looking creatures that will bug you out if you chance across them. Why? Get this: The little fuckers don't have any legs at all.
  • No matter what people tell you, do not take a long hike off a short pier. Drowning may result.
  • Most of us are well-acquainted with the popular expression, "Go fuck a moose," but few have actually done so. Until you've experienced this majestic outdoor activity firsthand, you have not truly lived.
  • Packing women's makeup and a feather boa will enable you to camp in a very "campy" manner, indeed.
  • When facing an enraged grizzly bear, be sure to wear comfortable, waterproof shoes and thick socks.
  • A good rule of thumb regarding campground etiquette is that if a trailer is a-rocking, it is probably best not to come a-knocking.
  • Our national parks are home to many magnificent forms of indigenous American wildlife. Be sure to carry a rifle with plenty of stopping power.
  • To hike, put one foot in front of the other, propelling yourself forward at a steady, workmanlike pace. After repeating this action thousands of times, you will theoretically begin to experience "fun."

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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