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Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.
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  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Camping Tips

Summer is just around the corner, and that means it's almost time for fun in the great outdoors. Here are some tips to make your next camping trip safe and enjoyable:

  • If you are a sitcom character and your camping trip is going badly, do not say, "Look on the bright side: At least the weather's nice."

  • Though not widely reported, America's raccoons and opossums are pitted against each other in a fierce turf war. Avoid getting caught in the crossfire.
  • Lake and river water may be unsafe to drink. Steam all water and lick the condensation off a sheet of canvas.
  • Under no circumstances should you let your girlfriend go camping with that guy from her pottery class. Trust me on this one.
  • Waking up feeling groggy with a sore anus is perfectly normal on camping excursions. It has to do with the fresh air, so keep quiet and don't tell anyone about it.
  • For a fun trip through the fertile fields of the imagination, camp out in front of the TV all day.
  • Remember: Snakes are freaky-looking creatures that will bug you out if you chance across them. Why? Get this: The little fuckers don't have any legs at all.
  • No matter what people tell you, do not take a long hike off a short pier. Drowning may result.
  • Most of us are well-acquainted with the popular expression, "Go fuck a moose," but few have actually done so. Until you've experienced this majestic outdoor activity firsthand, you have not truly lived.
  • Packing women's makeup and a feather boa will enable you to camp in a very "campy" manner, indeed.
  • When facing an enraged grizzly bear, be sure to wear comfortable, waterproof shoes and thick socks.
  • A good rule of thumb regarding campground etiquette is that if a trailer is a-rocking, it is probably best not to come a-knocking.
  • Our national parks are home to many magnificent forms of indigenous American wildlife. Be sure to carry a rifle with plenty of stopping power.
  • To hike, put one foot in front of the other, propelling yourself forward at a steady, workmanlike pace. After repeating this action thousands of times, you will theoretically begin to experience "fun."

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