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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Campus Tour Guide Reminds Students At Each Stop They Have To Get In First

MEDFORD, MA—Leading a group of nearly two dozen high school juniors and seniors to various points of interest around campus, Tufts University tour guide Michelle Davis reportedly took time while describing every location Thursday to remind tour members that, first off, they have to be admitted. “Next up is Tisch Library, which houses over 700,000 books and which has a rooftop patio where you can study, read, or just enjoy the great view of Boston, provided you get into the university, of course,” Davis said, adding that the 21 percent of applicants who are accepted to Tufts each year have full access to the library’s extensive digital collections and archives as well. “And this is the Residential Quad, commonly called Res Quad, where, if you make it through the admissions process, you can watch fireworks on Tuftonia’s Day, which is held the day before Spring Fling. Last year, the New Pornographers played Spring Fling, and a couple years before that we had Lupe Fiasco. It’s so much fun, if you happen to get in.” At press time, Davis was asking the tour members if those among them who had a realistic shot of being accepted and could afford four years of the private institution’s tuition had any questions.

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