adBlockCheck

Local

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

Campus Tour Guide Reminds Students At Each Stop They Have To Get In First

MEDFORD, MA—Leading a group of nearly two dozen high school juniors and seniors to various points of interest around campus, Tufts University tour guide Michelle Davis reportedly took time while describing every location Thursday to remind tour members that, first off, they have to be admitted. “Next up is Tisch Library, which houses over 700,000 books and which has a rooftop patio where you can study, read, or just enjoy the great view of Boston, provided you get into the university, of course,” Davis said, adding that the 21 percent of applicants who are accepted to Tufts each year have full access to the library’s extensive digital collections and archives as well. “And this is the Residential Quad, commonly called Res Quad, where, if you make it through the admissions process, you can watch fireworks on Tuftonia’s Day, which is held the day before Spring Fling. Last year, the New Pornographers played Spring Fling, and a couple years before that we had Lupe Fiasco. It’s so much fun, if you happen to get in.” At press time, Davis was asking the tour members if those among them who had a realistic shot of being accepted and could afford four years of the private institution’s tuition had any questions.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close