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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Campus Tour Guide Reminds Students At Each Stop They Have To Get In First

MEDFORD, MA—Leading a group of nearly two dozen high school juniors and seniors to various points of interest around campus, Tufts University tour guide Michelle Davis reportedly took time while describing every location Thursday to remind tour members that, first off, they have to be admitted. “Next up is Tisch Library, which houses over 700,000 books and which has a rooftop patio where you can study, read, or just enjoy the great view of Boston, provided you get into the university, of course,” Davis said, adding that the 21 percent of applicants who are accepted to Tufts each year have full access to the library’s extensive digital collections and archives as well. “And this is the Residential Quad, commonly called Res Quad, where, if you make it through the admissions process, you can watch fireworks on Tuftonia’s Day, which is held the day before Spring Fling. Last year, the New Pornographers played Spring Fling, and a couple years before that we had Lupe Fiasco. It’s so much fun, if you happen to get in.” At press time, Davis was asking the tour members if those among them who had a realistic shot of being accepted and could afford four years of the private institution’s tuition had any questions.

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