adBlockCheck

Recent News

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
End Of Section
  • More News

Campus Tour Guides Reminded To Use Official Name For Rape Hall

RACINE, WI—Speaking with a group of campus tour guides today, the University of Wisconsin-Racine’s undergraduate residential life coordinator Richard Matta reportedly asked the assembled students to please refer to the south lawn freshman dormitory by its official name, and not as Rape Hall. “Please, guys, when you’re with prospective students, let’s all make sure we say ‘Thayer Hall,’” Matta said, reminding the volunteers that the unofficial nickname for the suite-style housing facility was unfortunate, as were the popular monikers for fraternity row, the athletic center, the sophomore quad and the all-women’s dormitory tower, and that none of them were appropriate for a campus tour group. “I know that’s what everyone calls it, but when you’re out there as a guide, I’d really appreciate it if you’d refrain from calling Thayer ‘Rape Hall.’ Just point out the fact that it has cable and move on. ” The tour guides were also instructed not to refer to the bus that shuttles students from the dorms to the upperclassmen university apartments as the fuck truck.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close