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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Campus Tour Guides Reminded To Use Official Name For Rape Hall

RACINE, WI—Speaking with a group of campus tour guides today, the University of Wisconsin-Racine’s undergraduate residential life coordinator Richard Matta reportedly asked the assembled students to please refer to the south lawn freshman dormitory by its official name, and not as Rape Hall. “Please, guys, when you’re with prospective students, let’s all make sure we say ‘Thayer Hall,’” Matta said, reminding the volunteers that the unofficial nickname for the suite-style housing facility was unfortunate, as were the popular monikers for fraternity row, the athletic center, the sophomore quad and the all-women’s dormitory tower, and that none of them were appropriate for a campus tour group. “I know that’s what everyone calls it, but when you’re out there as a guide, I’d really appreciate it if you’d refrain from calling Thayer ‘Rape Hall.’ Just point out the fact that it has cable and move on. ” The tour guides were also instructed not to refer to the bus that shuttles students from the dorms to the upperclassmen university apartments as the fuck truck.

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