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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Campus Tour Guides Reminded To Use Official Name For Rape Hall

RACINE, WI—Speaking with a group of campus tour guides today, the University of Wisconsin-Racine’s undergraduate residential life coordinator Richard Matta reportedly asked the assembled students to please refer to the south lawn freshman dormitory by its official name, and not as Rape Hall. “Please, guys, when you’re with prospective students, let’s all make sure we say ‘Thayer Hall,’” Matta said, reminding the volunteers that the unofficial nickname for the suite-style housing facility was unfortunate, as were the popular monikers for fraternity row, the athletic center, the sophomore quad and the all-women’s dormitory tower, and that none of them were appropriate for a campus tour group. “I know that’s what everyone calls it, but when you’re out there as a guide, I’d really appreciate it if you’d refrain from calling Thayer ‘Rape Hall.’ Just point out the fact that it has cable and move on. ” The tour guides were also instructed not to refer to the bus that shuttles students from the dorms to the upperclassmen university apartments as the fuck truck.

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