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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Campus Tour Guides Reminded To Use Official Name For Rape Hall

RACINE, WI—Speaking with a group of campus tour guides today, the University of Wisconsin-Racine’s undergraduate residential life coordinator Richard Matta reportedly asked the assembled students to please refer to the south lawn freshman dormitory by its official name, and not as Rape Hall. “Please, guys, when you’re with prospective students, let’s all make sure we say ‘Thayer Hall,’” Matta said, reminding the volunteers that the unofficial nickname for the suite-style housing facility was unfortunate, as were the popular monikers for fraternity row, the athletic center, the sophomore quad and the all-women’s dormitory tower, and that none of them were appropriate for a campus tour group. “I know that’s what everyone calls it, but when you’re out there as a guide, I’d really appreciate it if you’d refrain from calling Thayer ‘Rape Hall.’ Just point out the fact that it has cable and move on. ” The tour guides were also instructed not to refer to the bus that shuttles students from the dorms to the upperclassmen university apartments as the fuck truck.

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