Canada, India Sheepishly Resolve Border Dispute

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Vol 39 Issue 37

Double-Entendre Doesn't Stand Up To Scrutiny

BALTIMORE—Though the risqué comment provoked giggles from coworkers, a double-entendre made by Natural Land Foods cashier Don Mallard Monday failed to hold up upon examination, linguistics expert Randolph Cox said. "The group was thoroughly pleased when Don told Gary [Pickard], 'I'll bet you'll water her plants while she's away,'" Cox said. "But let's look at the phrase 'while she's away.' If she's not physically present, how could sexual relations occur between Gary and his attractive young female neighbor?" Cox called Mallard's attempt at wordplay "a good try."

Tenants Forced To Clean Apartment Before Telling Landlord About Mice

BILLINGS, MT—The three roommates residing at 320 Sycamore Ave. #4 were forced to thoroughly clean up their living space before they could inform landlord George Hayton that it was infested with mice, the tenants said Tuesday. "We don't want slumlord George acting like the mice are our fault," said Keith Paucek, 20, as he hauled four garbage bags to the curb. "He's just the kind of guy to make some comment about there being three weeks' worth of dishes in the sink." Paucek last avoided the landlord's criticism by removing the grill and charred couch before asking him to replace the porch.

Area Woman Can't Bring Herself To Pardon Store's Appearance

THOUSAND OAKS, CA—Despite the prominent sign posted outside a Nordstrom department store asking shoppers to "Pardon Our Appearance," Gina Calvert, 56, could not bring herself to do so Monday. "This is inexcusable," Calvert said. "There are exposed beams and hastily built temporary walls everywhere I look. I'm sorry, but this is just too far out of line." Calvert said she will take her business to Macy's until Nordstrom begins to show its customers some respect.

Church, State Joyfully Reunite After 230-Year Trial Separation

WASHINGTON, DC—Following a two-and-a-quarter-century-long trial separation, Church and State reunited in the U.S. Department of Justice press room Monday. "Even through all the bad times, I knew there had to be a way to get these two old friends back together," Attorney General John Ashcroft said. "With a little counseling and faith-based intervention, I knew Church and State would work it out. It was meant to be." Effective Oct. 15, prayer will be mandatory in public schools and congressional sessions will open with Holy Communion.

Personal Magnet-ism

What do the following things have in common: a witch on a broomstick, a smiling carrot, a pig wearing a chef's hat, Tweety Bird, a vase of violets, a clam with googly eyes, a genie, Mr. Peanut, and a butterfly with plastic wings? No, they're not the names on the roster of some crazy baseball team. They're all magnets on the trusty Teasdale refrigerator!
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Canada, India Sheepishly Resolve Border Dispute

OTTAWA—Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien and Indian President Abdul Kalam held a subdued press conference in the Canadian Capitol building Monday to announce that the two nations have peacefully and sheepishly resolved a dispute over their common border.

Embarrassed Chrétien and Kalam restore diplomatic relations.

"We are—well, I guess proud isn't the word—relieved, I suppose, to restore friendly relations with India after the regrettable dispute over the exact coordinates of our shared border," said Chrétien, who refused to meet reporters' eyes as he nervously crumpled his prepared statement. "The border that, er... Well, I guess it turns out that we don't share a border after all."

Chrétien then officially withdrew his country's demand that India hand over a 20-mile-wide stretch of land that was to have served as a demilitarized buffer zone between the two nations.

"Really, I think the best thing for us to do is forget about the whole thing as quickly as possible," Chrétien added. "Please."

Kalam echoed Chrétien's sentiment.

"India is, likewise, pleased that the situation has been resolved," said Kalam, who just last week demanded that Canada remove all long-range weaponry from the Western Yukon. "The news is greeted by all the people of India as a great...you know...a very great [inaudible]."

"Can this press conference be over now?" Kalam asked.

The two leaders then exchanged a brief, fumbling handshake.

No one is sure how the conflict began, but once it was set into motion, the two countries' demands became increasingly forceful. Last week, India insisted, under threat of war, that Canada withdraw its troops from the "disputed zone." Canada responded with a counter-demand that India remove its own troops from the "disputed zone."

Tensions neared the flash point Sept. 20, when units of the Indian 77th Light Infantry and the Canadian 44th "Wild Geese" Armored Cavalry assembled and glared across the borders, in each other's directions, for several hours. Throughout the standoff, both nations rejected U.N. offers of counsel.

With relations restored, both nations have declined to address specific accusations or the manner in which the conflict was ultimately resolved.

"India has always been a peaceable nation. We accept the peaceful solution whenever possible," said an Indian government official who declined to give his name. "Likewise, we are glad that our Canadian allies have joined us in seeing reason. The end."

"The people of Canada have put the matter behind them, and hope that in the future, disputes of this kind can be resolved peacefully," said Assistant Foreign Affairs Minister Gerard Tollifer, who didn't take questions. "Actually, come to think of it, the Canadian people hope disputes of this kind don't ever happen in the future. And that is all we will ever need to say on this again, okay? Right. This never happened."

World leaders have met news of Canada and India's peaceful resolution with a mixture of relief and sly amusement.

"We are all pleased that these two nations were able to resolve their differences," said U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan, hiding his mouth behind a manila file folder. "We congratulate Canada and India on whatever they did to solve the conflict over their...their... border."

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