adBlockCheck

Canadian Girlfriend Unsubstantiated

Top Headlines

Local

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Canadian Girlfriend Unsubstantiated

BEMIDJI, MN–Despite his insistence, Timothy Woronoff has been unable to substantiate his longstanding claim that he has a girlfriend in Canada, sources close to the 16-year-old Bemidji High School junior reported Monday.

Timothy Woronoff holds up a picture of his alleged Canadian girlfriend.

Ever since September, Woronoff has been telling friends and classmates that he is involved in a long-distance relationship with "Audrey de Trudeau," an alleged Banff, Alberta 17-year-old. According to Woronoff, he and de Trudeau met last July while both were counselors at a band camp in the Boundary Waters region of northern Minnesota near the U.S.-Canadian border.

"We totally fell in love with each other at camp, and when the summer ended, we decided to stay together," Woronoff said. "It's too bad Audrey can't come down and visit me all that often, living so far away and all."

Andrew Dwight, Woronoff's best friend, said he has long doubted the girlfriend-having claims.

"I first wondered about it last October, when I asked Tim exactly how he met Audrey," Dwight said. "He was all quiet for a while, saying he was trying to remember. Finally, after about a minute, he said, 'Oh, yeah–this guy Jeff we both happened to know introduced us. I totally forgot about that.'"

His suspicions raised, Dwight continued to grill Woronoff on the subject.

"I asked him if he had any pictures of Audrey, since I'd never seen one and he's always bragging about how hot she is," Dwight said. "He said he'd asked Audrey for one a bunch of times, but she hadn't sent one yet."

The next day, Woronoff produced a framed picture of a willowy, attractive young girl.

"She was pretty much like Tim described her, which freaked me out," Dwight said. "Still, it was kinda weird that he got a picture in the mail the day after I asked him about it. I thought maybe it was one of those photos that comes with the frame, but when I looked at it up close, I could tell it was a real one. I was starting to think that maybe he was going out with some Canadian chick, after all."

Dwight's doubts grew, however, when Woronoff and de Trudeau failed to see each other over Christmas break.

"I was like, 'How come you're not gonna see Audrey over break? You've got two weeks off,'" Dwight said. "Tim said he couldn't fly there because his parents wouldn't let him travel over New Year's, with the whole Y2K thing and all. And he said Audrey couldn't come here because she didn't get any time off from school for Christmas, since they don't observe it in Canada. At least not in the French-speaking parts like Alberta."

Added Dwight: "He also said Audrey's parents don't approve of her dating an American, so that makes it even tougher to see her."

Determined to discover the truth, several classmates set Woronoff up on a "date" with Bemidji High School senior Julie Harter, convinced that if faced with a real-life romantic prospect, his Canadian-girlfriend claims would dry up. On March 10, Woronoff met Harter for ice cream at a local mall, but the date ended when he told Harter that his relationship with de Trudeau was too serious to allow him to see other girls.

"He's got to have a Canadian girlfriend. He's got to," Harter said. "How sad would it be to make up a pretend girlfriend, then refuse to see an actual girl because you're involved with a make-believe one?"

Dwight said that in the hundreds of hours he's spent at Woronoff's house, de Trudeau has never phoned. He has never seen a letter from de Trudeau lying around Woronoff's room, either.

"I'm at the point where I'm going to call Alberta information and ask if there's an Audrey de Trudeau there," Dwight said. "If Tim is lying about this whole thing and living in a pathetic fantasy world, that's his own deal, I guess. But I've just gotta know. It's killing me."

When questioned by biology-class lab partner Eric Brower about the specious Canadian lover, Woronoff became defensive.

"Of course Audrey exists," Woronoff said. "She just sent me this plaid lumberjack shirt I'm wearing, see? Where else would I get a Canadian shirt like this? You're just jealous because I have an exotic foreign girlfriend, and you don't even have an American one."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close