Canadian Girlfriend Unsubstantiated

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Vol 36 Issue 19

Overweight Man To Lose Weight If He Gets Really Overweight

CARROLTON, OH–Area resident David Schuitt, who at 250 pounds is approximately 70 pounds overweight, announced Monday that he will go on a diet if he gains much more weight. "I'm definitely fat, no doubt about it," Schuitt said. "But I'm not quite at that point where I'm so obese, I look disgusting." Schuitt has also vowed to take out a bill-consolidation loan if his debts hit $15,000.

Awestruck Video-Game Fan Describes Brush With PlayStation 2

UPPER DARBY, PA–Trembling in an ecstatic, quasi-religious state of rapture, video-game enthusiast Josh Eigert, 23, spent nearly 40 minutes Monday describing his encounter with Sony's forthcoming PlayStation 2 game console. "I was over at the Video Game X-change yesterday, and Bob, the owner-guy, had one behind the counter that he picked up in Japan," Eigert told friend Rich Busse. "I begged him, and he hooked it up and let me play Tekken Tag for a few minutes. It was fucking unbelievable, like a movie." Eigert told Busse that the store owner also claimed to have a copy of Onimusha: The Demon Warrior but "refused to show it under any circumstances."

Nothing Going Right For Area Surgeon Today

NEW YORK–Dr. Sidney Kramer, chief of cardiac surgery at Lenox Hill Hospital, is having "one of those days," he confided to a colleague Monday. "I don't know if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning or what, but I've been Mr. Butterfingers today," Kramer, 51, told anesthesiologist Allan Chang following "the heart transplant from hell." "Somebody shoulda locked up those scalpels and hid the key from me. Yikes. Oh, well, guess there's always tomorrow."

TV Executive Claims To Be Looking For Edgy

HOLLYWOOD, CA–Michael Wilhoyte, NBC's vice-president of programming, made the specious claim Monday that he is seeking "edgy, push-the-envelope new sitcoms" for the network. "What we want are things that will shake up viewers and really defy their expectations," Wilhoyte told Daily Variety TV reporter Naomi Berger. "We want shows that have a jarring, not-in-Kansas-anymore effect on the audience. Not your grandmother's sitcom, if you will." Three hours later, Wilhoyte approved a seven-figure development deal for a sitcom pitched as "Friends, but in Los Angeles."

Atheist Swayed By Claymation Story Of Christ

GRAND ISLAND, NE–Atheist Marcia Prewitt was converted to a life of devotion to the Lord following Sunday's viewing of the claymation movie The Miracle Maker. "I'd heard a lot of preaching and teaching about Christ throughout my life," Prewitt said, "but it took a clay-animated, Ralph Fiennes-voiced portrayal of Jesus to make me realize just how good and how wonderful He really is. I just wish everyone with confusion and strife in their heart could discover the healing truths of this cartoon."

Britney's Back

Millions of teenagers converged on the nation's record stores May 16 for the release of Oops!... I Did It Again, pop superstar Britney Spear's second album. What are the reasons for the fan frenzy?

Rudy Drops Out

Last Friday, Rudolph Giuliani shook up the New York Senate race when he announced that he would not run against Hillary Clinton due to his recently diagnosed prostate cancer. What do you think about the decision?

A Drama In Three Acts

To my universally celebrated works of drama, The Happy Bed-Chamber and The News-Paper Man And The Elves, I would like to add my third and most ambitious effort to date, The Syphilis-Crazed Young Norwegian Man.
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Canadian Girlfriend Unsubstantiated

BEMIDJI, MN–Despite his insistence, Timothy Woronoff has been unable to substantiate his longstanding claim that he has a girlfriend in Canada, sources close to the 16-year-old Bemidji High School junior reported Monday.

Timothy Woronoff holds up a picture of his alleged Canadian girlfriend.

Ever since September, Woronoff has been telling friends and classmates that he is involved in a long-distance relationship with "Audrey de Trudeau," an alleged Banff, Alberta 17-year-old. According to Woronoff, he and de Trudeau met last July while both were counselors at a band camp in the Boundary Waters region of northern Minnesota near the U.S.-Canadian border.

"We totally fell in love with each other at camp, and when the summer ended, we decided to stay together," Woronoff said. "It's too bad Audrey can't come down and visit me all that often, living so far away and all."

Andrew Dwight, Woronoff's best friend, said he has long doubted the girlfriend-having claims.

"I first wondered about it last October, when I asked Tim exactly how he met Audrey," Dwight said. "He was all quiet for a while, saying he was trying to remember. Finally, after about a minute, he said, 'Oh, yeah–this guy Jeff we both happened to know introduced us. I totally forgot about that.'"

His suspicions raised, Dwight continued to grill Woronoff on the subject.

"I asked him if he had any pictures of Audrey, since I'd never seen one and he's always bragging about how hot she is," Dwight said. "He said he'd asked Audrey for one a bunch of times, but she hadn't sent one yet."

The next day, Woronoff produced a framed picture of a willowy, attractive young girl.

"She was pretty much like Tim described her, which freaked me out," Dwight said. "Still, it was kinda weird that he got a picture in the mail the day after I asked him about it. I thought maybe it was one of those photos that comes with the frame, but when I looked at it up close, I could tell it was a real one. I was starting to think that maybe he was going out with some Canadian chick, after all."

Dwight's doubts grew, however, when Woronoff and de Trudeau failed to see each other over Christmas break.

"I was like, 'How come you're not gonna see Audrey over break? You've got two weeks off,'" Dwight said. "Tim said he couldn't fly there because his parents wouldn't let him travel over New Year's, with the whole Y2K thing and all. And he said Audrey couldn't come here because she didn't get any time off from school for Christmas, since they don't observe it in Canada. At least not in the French-speaking parts like Alberta."

Added Dwight: "He also said Audrey's parents don't approve of her dating an American, so that makes it even tougher to see her."

Determined to discover the truth, several classmates set Woronoff up on a "date" with Bemidji High School senior Julie Harter, convinced that if faced with a real-life romantic prospect, his Canadian-girlfriend claims would dry up. On March 10, Woronoff met Harter for ice cream at a local mall, but the date ended when he told Harter that his relationship with de Trudeau was too serious to allow him to see other girls.

"He's got to have a Canadian girlfriend. He's got to," Harter said. "How sad would it be to make up a pretend girlfriend, then refuse to see an actual girl because you're involved with a make-believe one?"

Dwight said that in the hundreds of hours he's spent at Woronoff's house, de Trudeau has never phoned. He has never seen a letter from de Trudeau lying around Woronoff's room, either.

"I'm at the point where I'm going to call Alberta information and ask if there's an Audrey de Trudeau there," Dwight said. "If Tim is lying about this whole thing and living in a pathetic fantasy world, that's his own deal, I guess. But I've just gotta know. It's killing me."

When questioned by biology-class lab partner Eric Brower about the specious Canadian lover, Woronoff became defensive.

"Of course Audrey exists," Woronoff said. "She just sent me this plaid lumberjack shirt I'm wearing, see? Where else would I get a Canadian shirt like this? You're just jealous because I have an exotic foreign girlfriend, and you don't even have an American one."

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